Dearest Daughter,
As your daddy and I tucked you in tonight, I couldn't help but reflect on our past three years as a family. I can hardly believe you are three today. The years we spent waiting and praying for you are not lost on me. I never tire of thanking God for you. You are the best parts of us, all rolled into a spunky, brilliant, silly little girl.
The past two birthdays I have written you a long letter, but this year, I thought a little rhyme was more appropriate. Currently your favorite books to read all rhyme, and after reciting them to you every day, the rhyming has become kind of contagious.
Our start of year two was a little rough
Your sleeping schedule made it tough
Your transition to a big girl bed
Filled my heart with so much dread
You were stubborn in your potty training
When you finally got it, you had us exclaiming
Your adoration for Cars grew every day
Though Momma hoped for princess play
You are able to recognize so many words
You can count to 20; it seems quite absurd
You continue to have books as your favorite toys
You'll read for hours, making no noise
You still pretend to be a cat when you feel shy
But deep down you are tough, and rarely cry
You lost Koda this year, your very best friend
"She's in heaven," you say. You help our hearts mend
You sing so sweetly to Jesus each day
My favorite part of each night is hearing you pray
You have brought us so much joy and laughter
I cannot wait to write our family's next chapter
I couldn't possibly imagine loving you more
I will cherish each moment until you turn four!
XOXOXOXO
Momma
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
The Santa Squabble
Not since our decision to keep Addison an only child have I had to defend such a personal choice so often. It is mind-boggling to me that people feel the need to interject their judgement, criticisms, and derision into a conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with their lives. I'm not bitter...just surprised. So, once again, I am blogging about a decision we have made for our family in hopes that I will not have to defend myself even one more time.
We are not doing the whole Santa thing.
Now, I could list the reasons, but honestly, I don't want to. And none of them would be good enough for someone who does not agree with them anyway. But if you are open-minded and interested in our reasons (and what we will do instead of Santa), this blog (most of this one) (oh, and this one) is almost exactly what I would have written, were I so eloquent.
I will, however, say the following:
My decision to leave Santa out of Christmas has no bearing on anyone else's life. We get that people may think our decision is ridiculous, but to say that you "feel sorry for Addison" is just not okay. I know what Addison is and is not "missing out on" as Erik and I both grew up with Santa. For the record, if she someday decides to do Santa for her own children, we will completely support her, and we will even pay for her therapy should she decide her own Santa-less childhood has scarred her in some way.
I do not go searching for this conversation. It seems like inevitably someone daily asks about what Santa is bringing Addison or asks when she is having pictures with Santa. Because I have trouble being articulate under pressure and because most people are very defensive regarding this particular tradition, "We aren't really doing the whole Santa thing," always leads to a very awkward and abrupt end to the conversation. I am open to suggestions on alternative answers.
It doesn't mean that we think someone is/was a bad parent because their children believe(d) in Santa. No one needs to defend themselves to us. I promise that we don't care. We will not go home and talk about anyone behind their back. Our decision is not an indictment on anyone else's parenting.
We understand that people are very upset about the thought of Addison potentially ruining Santa for their children. I can assure everyone that when she is old enough to ask questions, we will make sure that she is fully briefed on how to respond to statements/inquiries about Santa. We will even role play. She will not run around breaking Santa figurines like some terrifying pint-sized Grinch or scream "Santa's not real!!" in the middle of the school program. We won't need an annual December quarantine.
In the end, we all have to prayerfully make the best decisions for our own families, and stay true to our personal convictions in the face of criticism. We wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, and may we all remember the true reason for the season.
We are not doing the whole Santa thing.
Now, I could list the reasons, but honestly, I don't want to. And none of them would be good enough for someone who does not agree with them anyway. But if you are open-minded and interested in our reasons (and what we will do instead of Santa), this blog (most of this one) (oh, and this one) is almost exactly what I would have written, were I so eloquent.
I will, however, say the following:
My decision to leave Santa out of Christmas has no bearing on anyone else's life. We get that people may think our decision is ridiculous, but to say that you "feel sorry for Addison" is just not okay. I know what Addison is and is not "missing out on" as Erik and I both grew up with Santa. For the record, if she someday decides to do Santa for her own children, we will completely support her, and we will even pay for her therapy should she decide her own Santa-less childhood has scarred her in some way.
I do not go searching for this conversation. It seems like inevitably someone daily asks about what Santa is bringing Addison or asks when she is having pictures with Santa. Because I have trouble being articulate under pressure and because most people are very defensive regarding this particular tradition, "We aren't really doing the whole Santa thing," always leads to a very awkward and abrupt end to the conversation. I am open to suggestions on alternative answers.
It doesn't mean that we think someone is/was a bad parent because their children believe(d) in Santa. No one needs to defend themselves to us. I promise that we don't care. We will not go home and talk about anyone behind their back. Our decision is not an indictment on anyone else's parenting.
We understand that people are very upset about the thought of Addison potentially ruining Santa for their children. I can assure everyone that when she is old enough to ask questions, we will make sure that she is fully briefed on how to respond to statements/inquiries about Santa. We will even role play. She will not run around breaking Santa figurines like some terrifying pint-sized Grinch or scream "Santa's not real!!" in the middle of the school program. We won't need an annual December quarantine.
In the end, we all have to prayerfully make the best decisions for our own families, and stay true to our personal convictions in the face of criticism. We wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, and may we all remember the true reason for the season.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Two Too Old
My Dear Daughter,
I absolutely cannot believe that today you are two years old. People constantly tell me not to blink while reminding me how quickly you will grow. Unfortunately, I don't need a reminder; I see it daily in your changing face, your new words, and your piles of too-small clothes. Today is bittersweet, as I'm sure all of your birthdays will be. I am so proud of you as you grow, and yet I want to keep you my baby forever.
This year has seen you acquire so many new skills! We are often left breathless keeping up with your quest for knowledge. The minute you feel confident in one skill, you are ready to learn something new and are not content to review old things. You have mastered the art of puzzles, you know all of your letters and their sounds, and you can name all of the numbers on sight. You frequently point them out as we stand waiting to check out at the local grocery store. Counting to 11 is a piece of cake for you and you know all of your colors too...even the hard ones like gray. You have also started picking out simple sight words like "is" and "the" in your books, much to our astonishment. You frequently string together thoughts that surprise us, and although we still can't understand everything you say, I know that someday you will hold us captive with your stories and observations.
We see your personality developing each day, but in many ways, you are still very similar to the baby I held just one year ago. You still love to dance with abandon, although now you don't hesitate to scream a song at the top of your lungs while doing it. Currently you especially like "Let it Go" and "Shake It Off," and you will ask us to play the songs over and over while you try to learn all of the words. You are still so very head-strong; you keep us on our toes as you change your mind often, but emphatically. You ALWAYS have an opinion on what you want to eat, what we'll watch on television, and even what you'll wear out of the house. You are so, so tough. You rarely show pain, and after falling you will dust your hands off and say, "I'm okay Mama!" no matter how scary the tumble seems to me. We call you our little "Warrior Princess." Even though you are very independent, much like your mama, you still have a sweet streak a mile wide. Your hugs and kisses make our day, and we know the dogs secretly love them too. You make sure to say a sweet goodbye to each child by name at your daycare, and "Min-Min" frequently tells us how precious you are. You have made an impression on so many hearts, my child!
We still love trying to predict what you will become someday. We haven't ruled out anything involving books, as you can spend literally hours reading to yourself. Us getting to read to you is a luxury rarely allowed. Your obsession with the nightly appearance of the moon has prompted us to throw astronomer or astronaut into the mix, while your love of all things furry still has me proclaiming you to be a future vet. We know that God has given you the gifts and tools to be absolutely anything.
We are so looking forward to this coming year with our sassy, spunky "Miss Independent," and all of the new things it will hold for us all. From tackling potty-training to our first hotel stay as a family, there are sure to be many fun memories made and stories to tell. You enrich every aspect of our lives, my child, and we love you more than you could ever imagine. Happy Birthday My Sunshine!
All my love,
Mama
I absolutely cannot believe that today you are two years old. People constantly tell me not to blink while reminding me how quickly you will grow. Unfortunately, I don't need a reminder; I see it daily in your changing face, your new words, and your piles of too-small clothes. Today is bittersweet, as I'm sure all of your birthdays will be. I am so proud of you as you grow, and yet I want to keep you my baby forever.
This year has seen you acquire so many new skills! We are often left breathless keeping up with your quest for knowledge. The minute you feel confident in one skill, you are ready to learn something new and are not content to review old things. You have mastered the art of puzzles, you know all of your letters and their sounds, and you can name all of the numbers on sight. You frequently point them out as we stand waiting to check out at the local grocery store. Counting to 11 is a piece of cake for you and you know all of your colors too...even the hard ones like gray. You have also started picking out simple sight words like "is" and "the" in your books, much to our astonishment. You frequently string together thoughts that surprise us, and although we still can't understand everything you say, I know that someday you will hold us captive with your stories and observations.
We see your personality developing each day, but in many ways, you are still very similar to the baby I held just one year ago. You still love to dance with abandon, although now you don't hesitate to scream a song at the top of your lungs while doing it. Currently you especially like "Let it Go" and "Shake It Off," and you will ask us to play the songs over and over while you try to learn all of the words. You are still so very head-strong; you keep us on our toes as you change your mind often, but emphatically. You ALWAYS have an opinion on what you want to eat, what we'll watch on television, and even what you'll wear out of the house. You are so, so tough. You rarely show pain, and after falling you will dust your hands off and say, "I'm okay Mama!" no matter how scary the tumble seems to me. We call you our little "Warrior Princess." Even though you are very independent, much like your mama, you still have a sweet streak a mile wide. Your hugs and kisses make our day, and we know the dogs secretly love them too. You make sure to say a sweet goodbye to each child by name at your daycare, and "Min-Min" frequently tells us how precious you are. You have made an impression on so many hearts, my child!
We still love trying to predict what you will become someday. We haven't ruled out anything involving books, as you can spend literally hours reading to yourself. Us getting to read to you is a luxury rarely allowed. Your obsession with the nightly appearance of the moon has prompted us to throw astronomer or astronaut into the mix, while your love of all things furry still has me proclaiming you to be a future vet. We know that God has given you the gifts and tools to be absolutely anything.
We are so looking forward to this coming year with our sassy, spunky "Miss Independent," and all of the new things it will hold for us all. From tackling potty-training to our first hotel stay as a family, there are sure to be many fun memories made and stories to tell. You enrich every aspect of our lives, my child, and we love you more than you could ever imagine. Happy Birthday My Sunshine!
All my love,
Mama
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Those Magic Moments...
Parenting certainly has its moments:
That moment when your precious baby girl shows you the sippy cup she's drinking out of...and you don't remember pouring it for her. That is, within the last week.
That moment when you turn on a VeggieTales episode for your daughter and realize that you are the only one watching it, but you must see how it ends!
That moment when "We will never be THOSE PARENTS" bites you in the backside.
That moment when you know that if anyone could see the silly faces you are making and hear the ridiculous sounds coming from your mouth, they would think you were straight up crazy. And you don't care.
That moment when you recognize that you have been blabbering on about your child for so long, you don't even remember how long you've been talking. And you can't stop yourself. And you don't care.
That moment when you actually consider sleeping in the car so that you don't have to go through the whole traumatic car seat to crib and pajama transition.
That moment when you buy yet ANOTHER toy, despite knowing that the box will still be more interesting than the actual toy for at least a few more weeks.
That moment when you realize that the, "We have to go. It's past her bedtime," excuse from others (that you used to roll your eyes at) was not just an excuse.
That moment when the worst of moods lifts in an instant...an instant of beautiful, innocent laughter from your child.
That moment when you FINALLY get your daughter to sleep, hold your breath, tiptoe out, slllooowwwlllyyy shut the door, and then immediately miss her and wish she was back in your arms.
Magic Moments indeed...and may we all have many more in the coming year.
That moment when your precious baby girl shows you the sippy cup she's drinking out of...and you don't remember pouring it for her. That is, within the last week.
That moment when you turn on a VeggieTales episode for your daughter and realize that you are the only one watching it, but you must see how it ends!
That moment when "We will never be THOSE PARENTS" bites you in the backside.
That moment when you know that if anyone could see the silly faces you are making and hear the ridiculous sounds coming from your mouth, they would think you were straight up crazy. And you don't care.
That moment when you recognize that you have been blabbering on about your child for so long, you don't even remember how long you've been talking. And you can't stop yourself. And you don't care.
That moment when you actually consider sleeping in the car so that you don't have to go through the whole traumatic car seat to crib and pajama transition.
That moment when you buy yet ANOTHER toy, despite knowing that the box will still be more interesting than the actual toy for at least a few more weeks.
That moment when you realize that the, "We have to go. It's past her bedtime," excuse from others (that you used to roll your eyes at) was not just an excuse.
That moment when the worst of moods lifts in an instant...an instant of beautiful, innocent laughter from your child.
That moment when you FINALLY get your daughter to sleep, hold your breath, tiptoe out, slllooowwwlllyyy shut the door, and then immediately miss her and wish she was back in your arms.
Magic Moments indeed...and may we all have many more in the coming year.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Our Year in Pictures...Part 2
JULY
 |
| Addison loved the pool, the pink, and the princesses! |
 |
| Addison started standing up on her own, with no help...although occasionally the grocery cart came in handy. |
 |
| Our first Independence Day as a family was a very special night! AUGUST |
 |
| As Mommy got ready to go back to school, Addison worked on poses for her upcoming birthday invitations. |
 |
| After all, it's never too early to start thinking about a baby's first birthday party! |
SEPTEMBER
 |
| Addison was informed by Mommy, much to Daddy's chagrin, that she was Sooner-born. |
She was also assured that being the baby of the family would have its perks...someday.
September also saw Addison busting some serious moves...link above. Prepare to laugh!!
OCTOBER
 |
| In between laps around the coffee table, Addison got all dressed up to go trick-or-treating for the first time! In equally exciting news, Mommy and Daddy got the joy of stealing Addison's candy for the first, but definitely NOT the last, time. NOVEMBER Addison is walking!! This was Addison's month! She took her very first steps just before her first birthday! You can click the link above if you are so inclined.  Addison got her first taste of cake...and her first skin stain. |
Poppy finally got to reveal his beautiful, handmade birthday surprise!!!
DECEMBER
We ended the year just as we began it, with a Thunder game. Afterwards, we made some New Year's Resolutions. May we all...
Keep our noses clean
Keep our noses to the grindstone
Keep our loved ones close, and...
Keep the magic and surprise of the holidays alive all year!
Happy New Year, and may we all have a better 2014 than we ever thought possible!!
Happy New Year, and may we all have a better 2014 than we ever thought possible!!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Our Year in Pictures...Part 1
JANUARY
 |
| On this cold day, I was charitable enough to invite a homeless man to the Thunder game with me. ;-) |
 |
| In other news, Addison discovered her love of polka dots! |
FEBRUARY
.jpg) |
| Addison was the best Valentine's gift we've ever received! |
MARCH
 |
| No pinching went on at our house... |
 |
| But being force fed baby food was torture enough! |
APRIL
 |
| We celebrated our first Easter as a family! (Okay, TECHNICALLY this was March 31st. But everyone knows that Easter is supposed to be in April). MAY |
 |
| Addison decided that rolling around with Zooey was the most fun thing she'd ever done! |
 |
| We, as a family, committed to raising Addison in a Christ-like home during her baby dedication. JUNE  Addison gave Daddy his first Father's Day present! |
And then an equally impressive gift...crawling!!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Blessed Beyond Measure
My Precious Daughter,
One year ago, I could not imagine my life as a mom. I could not imagine what it would be like to gaze into your blue eyes, kiss your cheeks, wipe your tears. I could not imagine a love so all-encompassing, could not imagine so many hurts in my heart being healed by such a tiny, perfect person.
It has been such a joy watching you grow and develop this year, my little pumpkin. I look back at your pictures from that surreal day of your birth, and I can't believe that you were so small. Even then, the nurses all commented on how alert you seemed for such a little girl. You were already straining to hold up your head in the first few weeks, eager to see everything around you. Those first several months you preferred to sleep during the day and stay awake all night. We spent many a day together snuggled in a recliner, dozing on and off. Those moments were the closest to heaven I may ever get on this Earth. I remember the first time you had a fever, your daddy and I were beside ourselves, staying up all night, taking turns sleeping on your floor. And at the first sign of distress, we were jumping up from our much-needed sleep; we would have done anything to make you feel better. Your first belly laugh came thanks to Daddy, and the sound filled the room and our hearts. We have never stopped trying to make you laugh…some days you are stingier than others, but we can always count on a sleepy baby to be just delirious enough to deliver one or two. The first time you heard music, REALLY heard it, your love for it was obvious. You would awaken from your nap immediately if you heard certain songs, and still will for some. Everyone who has spent any amount of time with you has laughed and laughed at your propensity to "shake it" to the slightest beat, your mischievous head tilt, and your sweet, sweet singing. You have so much energy and are continuously on the go! You love toys that light up or play music, but you are never content to play with just one for very long. We are constantly amazed at your curiosity, your determination, and your problem-solving. You have always done things early, and have kept us on our toes from the moment you first rolled over.
You are such a strong, independent baby. We smile wistfully as you twist from our lap towards your crib at night while we try to keep you our baby, wrestling against nature and your headstrong ways. We can't help but laugh when you loudly demand another bite, scream your displeasure when we take a toy away, or voice your disapproval to the dogs with a resounding NO…we know that you will never have trouble standing up for yourself, and that will serve you well. We have always prayed that you would grow up to have a discerning heart and to take the road less traveled; it seems that you indeed have a good foundation for those qualities already.
We have no idea what you will become Baby Girl. A veterinarian? Zooey and Koda are your favorite companions and you love nothing more than climbing all over them or throwing toys for them to retrieve. A dancer or a musician? You already have moves that you did not inherent from either of us, and your sense of rhythm amazes us! I have no doubt that music will be an important part of your life in some facet or another. A race car driver? You love your new riding toys and the faster you go, the more you smile and laugh. An author or a librarian? I will often catch you looking quietly through books by yourself, turning pages happily. I always take that opportunity to drop everything and read to you; I know that you are going to be a voracious reader regardless of your vocation. We pray daily for your future; your possibilities are endless.
We know that this next year will bring many things: new words, developmental growth, and a continued unveiling of who you really are, and who you will become. You cannot fathom how blessed we feel to have you, my child, and our hearts overflow. You have turned our world upside down and inside out, and we cannot imagine it any other way. Happy 1st Birthday Addison. Our favorite book to read together closes it best: "I love you more, so much more, than you've ever known."
Everything,
Mommy
One year ago, I could not imagine my life as a mom. I could not imagine what it would be like to gaze into your blue eyes, kiss your cheeks, wipe your tears. I could not imagine a love so all-encompassing, could not imagine so many hurts in my heart being healed by such a tiny, perfect person.
It has been such a joy watching you grow and develop this year, my little pumpkin. I look back at your pictures from that surreal day of your birth, and I can't believe that you were so small. Even then, the nurses all commented on how alert you seemed for such a little girl. You were already straining to hold up your head in the first few weeks, eager to see everything around you. Those first several months you preferred to sleep during the day and stay awake all night. We spent many a day together snuggled in a recliner, dozing on and off. Those moments were the closest to heaven I may ever get on this Earth. I remember the first time you had a fever, your daddy and I were beside ourselves, staying up all night, taking turns sleeping on your floor. And at the first sign of distress, we were jumping up from our much-needed sleep; we would have done anything to make you feel better. Your first belly laugh came thanks to Daddy, and the sound filled the room and our hearts. We have never stopped trying to make you laugh…some days you are stingier than others, but we can always count on a sleepy baby to be just delirious enough to deliver one or two. The first time you heard music, REALLY heard it, your love for it was obvious. You would awaken from your nap immediately if you heard certain songs, and still will for some. Everyone who has spent any amount of time with you has laughed and laughed at your propensity to "shake it" to the slightest beat, your mischievous head tilt, and your sweet, sweet singing. You have so much energy and are continuously on the go! You love toys that light up or play music, but you are never content to play with just one for very long. We are constantly amazed at your curiosity, your determination, and your problem-solving. You have always done things early, and have kept us on our toes from the moment you first rolled over.
You are such a strong, independent baby. We smile wistfully as you twist from our lap towards your crib at night while we try to keep you our baby, wrestling against nature and your headstrong ways. We can't help but laugh when you loudly demand another bite, scream your displeasure when we take a toy away, or voice your disapproval to the dogs with a resounding NO…we know that you will never have trouble standing up for yourself, and that will serve you well. We have always prayed that you would grow up to have a discerning heart and to take the road less traveled; it seems that you indeed have a good foundation for those qualities already.
We have no idea what you will become Baby Girl. A veterinarian? Zooey and Koda are your favorite companions and you love nothing more than climbing all over them or throwing toys for them to retrieve. A dancer or a musician? You already have moves that you did not inherent from either of us, and your sense of rhythm amazes us! I have no doubt that music will be an important part of your life in some facet or another. A race car driver? You love your new riding toys and the faster you go, the more you smile and laugh. An author or a librarian? I will often catch you looking quietly through books by yourself, turning pages happily. I always take that opportunity to drop everything and read to you; I know that you are going to be a voracious reader regardless of your vocation. We pray daily for your future; your possibilities are endless.
We know that this next year will bring many things: new words, developmental growth, and a continued unveiling of who you really are, and who you will become. You cannot fathom how blessed we feel to have you, my child, and our hearts overflow. You have turned our world upside down and inside out, and we cannot imagine it any other way. Happy 1st Birthday Addison. Our favorite book to read together closes it best: "I love you more, so much more, than you've ever known."
Everything,
Mommy
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
A MOMMY'S WORLD
I have discovered something incredible recently. It may sound unbelievable; it may even make you jealous. Here it is: Addison possesses magical powers. I know, I know...it sounds crazy. To prove it, I'm going to share just a few examples.
- Addison can predict, with 100% accuracy, the exact moment the server is bringing the meal at any restaurant. She alerts us by waking up and screaming. Her alarm gives us just enough notice to have time to clear space for our entrees...such a handy power!
- This same alarm system also alerts me as to when I am about to buy something I don't really need. It sounds in the dressing rooms, in the checkout lines, or sometimes even upon entering a store. This requires an immediate exit, therefore saving us money!
- Addison can make whoever is holding her invisible...this power radiates to include any family member within a 3 foot radius. She will garner all the attention. She will be talked to, touched, smiled at, even asked questions...all while her proud mommy and daddy smile, unnoticed.
- Her powers of persuasion are unmatched. She has even convinced Daddy, with her special mind tricks, to let Mommy get an SUV without Mommy even asking. Remarkable!
I have noticed some other unusual happenings around my house that have given me pause:
First off, my scale is showing me to be at pre-pregnancy weight. If that's true, then why does my body look so very different than it did back then? Currently, I resemble one of those BEFORE photos you see at a plastic surgeon's office. The ones that makes you cringe. Weird right?
Next, dirty bottles multiply on an hourly basis. I'll look up and see one, and the next thing I know there are three. Same with the piles of dirty laundry. And my stack of unread books. I'm just not sure what to make of that.
In a strange twist, other things have been disappearing at an alarming rate. Cases of diapers and wipes are here one moment, gone the next. Containers of formula are emptied as quickly as they are opened. And working batteries (that were so plentiful before) needed for various baby gadgets are as elusive as our free time that has all but vanished as well.
Finally, baby toys are slowly taking over my house. Now I'm not saying that they converge at night to hold secret meetings a la Toy Story, but something is going on. I step on them in places they should not be, and I see them seeking refuge under couches and tables that they were definitely NOT under before. Some people might blame the dogs, but I'm not convinced.
Maybe I've finally gotten my wish and awoken to a parallel universe, my very own Harry Potter-esque world? Or, more likely, I'm living my dream of motherhood, my very own perfect, albeit crazy, reality.
First off, my scale is showing me to be at pre-pregnancy weight. If that's true, then why does my body look so very different than it did back then? Currently, I resemble one of those BEFORE photos you see at a plastic surgeon's office. The ones that makes you cringe. Weird right?
Next, dirty bottles multiply on an hourly basis. I'll look up and see one, and the next thing I know there are three. Same with the piles of dirty laundry. And my stack of unread books. I'm just not sure what to make of that.
In a strange twist, other things have been disappearing at an alarming rate. Cases of diapers and wipes are here one moment, gone the next. Containers of formula are emptied as quickly as they are opened. And working batteries (that were so plentiful before) needed for various baby gadgets are as elusive as our free time that has all but vanished as well.
Finally, baby toys are slowly taking over my house. Now I'm not saying that they converge at night to hold secret meetings a la Toy Story, but something is going on. I step on them in places they should not be, and I see them seeking refuge under couches and tables that they were definitely NOT under before. Some people might blame the dogs, but I'm not convinced.
Maybe I've finally gotten my wish and awoken to a parallel universe, my very own Harry Potter-esque world? Or, more likely, I'm living my dream of motherhood, my very own perfect, albeit crazy, reality.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
My FIRST Mother's Day
This year, I get to experience my first Mother's Day as a mom. I think that sentence, with all of its unspoken emotion, could stand alone as a blog entry.
It was on Mother's Day two years ago that I stood watching the baby dedications at church as tears poured down my face. I will never forget practically running out of the sanctuary to escape the pain. I eventually found respite in the bathroom of all places, and the locked stall served as a barrier to the rest of the world for a few moments. I prayed and raged and bargained, and in the end, I went back to my seat, utterly defeated. I'm pretty sure I cried silently through that entire sermon. I allowed myself very few breakdowns over the years, but that one is seared into my memory.
They offer those same dedications twice a year, and I knew without a doubt that I wanted to do Addison's on Mother's Day weekend. This year, our families were in the sanctuary praying for our family of 3 as we were promising before God and the church that we commit to raising her intentionally in Christ. We dedicated our gift back to Him, asked Him to guide our decisions as parents, give us wisdom, and bless our little girl as she grows. This year, when the tears began to flow, it was an outpouring of joy and thankfulness that I cannot possibly express in words.
They asked in our dedication class that we write a letter to our child affirming her, outlining our hopes, dreams, and prayers for her, and telling her about the importance of Christ. I can't imagine an easier assignment...
Our Precious Addison,
Today is my first Mother's Day as a mom. I want you to know how much and how long I have looked forward to this day. This is the day I get to celebrate my favorite thing in the world...taking care of YOU. From your sleepy grin first thing in the morning to your crazy antics right before you crash for the night...you make me smile and laugh more than anyone in this world ever has.
Last night, on Mother's Day Eve, Daddy (or Dada as you like to say) and I took part in your Baby Dedication. We stood in front of the church and committed to raising you in the Lord, to setting an example for you in our faith, and to being the best parents we can be. Then our Campus Pastor, Chris Beall, came and prayed over our little family. He has prayed over us numerous times throughout the years, and recognizes what a little miracle you truly are. His prayer was powerful and moving. In it, we thanked God over and over for our greatest gift... YOU.
After he prayed for us, your daddy and I had some time to pray on our own. I have so many, many hopes and prayers for you, my child. These are just a few of the things, big and small, that ran through my mind in those moments: I hope that you aren't as serious as I was; that you'll have an easy smile and an unapologetic laugh. I hope that you always feel safe and secure in your home, and within yourself. I hope that reading brings you as much joy as it does me. I hope that you love school, and that academics are very important to you. I hope that you have lots of true Christian friends who love you for who you are and never try to change you. I pray that today's selfish and secular culture will be mere background noise as you stand firm in your convictions. I pray that you will graduate from college to do something you love, and not just get a job you can tolerate. I pray that someday, when the time is right, you will meet a Godly man who cherishes you, respects you, and draws you closer to Christ. I pray that if and when you decide to have a baby with your husband, that you will have the easiest pregnancy possible. But most of all, more than any of those things, I pray that someday you will make the most important decision of your life: to become a fully devoted follower of Christ. There is no choice in this world more significant.
We also prayed for certain qualities and gifts to be exemplified in you. We asked for you to display integrity in every facet of your life. We prayed that you will be given a discerning heart when it comes to making all choices, including choosing those you surround yourself with. We also asked that on top of your already noticeable intelligence, that you be blessed with wisdom. There are so many spiritual gifts that you may be given, but these are some that we prayed specifically for, so that others may see Him in you.
I have no doubt that you are going to be a candle in the darkness of this world, Addison. You can already light up a room with your infectious laughter and contagious smile. You have changed me, my beautiful daughter, and in the very best way. I know that last night was just the beginning of my pride as your mom.
With all my love,
Mommy
It was on Mother's Day two years ago that I stood watching the baby dedications at church as tears poured down my face. I will never forget practically running out of the sanctuary to escape the pain. I eventually found respite in the bathroom of all places, and the locked stall served as a barrier to the rest of the world for a few moments. I prayed and raged and bargained, and in the end, I went back to my seat, utterly defeated. I'm pretty sure I cried silently through that entire sermon. I allowed myself very few breakdowns over the years, but that one is seared into my memory.
They offer those same dedications twice a year, and I knew without a doubt that I wanted to do Addison's on Mother's Day weekend. This year, our families were in the sanctuary praying for our family of 3 as we were promising before God and the church that we commit to raising her intentionally in Christ. We dedicated our gift back to Him, asked Him to guide our decisions as parents, give us wisdom, and bless our little girl as she grows. This year, when the tears began to flow, it was an outpouring of joy and thankfulness that I cannot possibly express in words.
They asked in our dedication class that we write a letter to our child affirming her, outlining our hopes, dreams, and prayers for her, and telling her about the importance of Christ. I can't imagine an easier assignment...
Our Precious Addison,
Today is my first Mother's Day as a mom. I want you to know how much and how long I have looked forward to this day. This is the day I get to celebrate my favorite thing in the world...taking care of YOU. From your sleepy grin first thing in the morning to your crazy antics right before you crash for the night...you make me smile and laugh more than anyone in this world ever has.
Last night, on Mother's Day Eve, Daddy (or Dada as you like to say) and I took part in your Baby Dedication. We stood in front of the church and committed to raising you in the Lord, to setting an example for you in our faith, and to being the best parents we can be. Then our Campus Pastor, Chris Beall, came and prayed over our little family. He has prayed over us numerous times throughout the years, and recognizes what a little miracle you truly are. His prayer was powerful and moving. In it, we thanked God over and over for our greatest gift... YOU.
After he prayed for us, your daddy and I had some time to pray on our own. I have so many, many hopes and prayers for you, my child. These are just a few of the things, big and small, that ran through my mind in those moments: I hope that you aren't as serious as I was; that you'll have an easy smile and an unapologetic laugh. I hope that you always feel safe and secure in your home, and within yourself. I hope that reading brings you as much joy as it does me. I hope that you love school, and that academics are very important to you. I hope that you have lots of true Christian friends who love you for who you are and never try to change you. I pray that today's selfish and secular culture will be mere background noise as you stand firm in your convictions. I pray that you will graduate from college to do something you love, and not just get a job you can tolerate. I pray that someday, when the time is right, you will meet a Godly man who cherishes you, respects you, and draws you closer to Christ. I pray that if and when you decide to have a baby with your husband, that you will have the easiest pregnancy possible. But most of all, more than any of those things, I pray that someday you will make the most important decision of your life: to become a fully devoted follower of Christ. There is no choice in this world more significant.
We also prayed for certain qualities and gifts to be exemplified in you. We asked for you to display integrity in every facet of your life. We prayed that you will be given a discerning heart when it comes to making all choices, including choosing those you surround yourself with. We also asked that on top of your already noticeable intelligence, that you be blessed with wisdom. There are so many spiritual gifts that you may be given, but these are some that we prayed specifically for, so that others may see Him in you.
I have no doubt that you are going to be a candle in the darkness of this world, Addison. You can already light up a room with your infectious laughter and contagious smile. You have changed me, my beautiful daughter, and in the very best way. I know that last night was just the beginning of my pride as your mom.
With all my love,
Mommy
 |
| Addison's Baby Dedication ~ May 11, 2013 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 |
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Defending "THE DECISION"
About a month after Addison's birth, Erik and I made an unpopular, unexpectedly controversial decision. Since then we've been called selfish, rash, stupid, and probably a few other things behind our backs. I'm honestly shocked that with our history and my blogs, that ANYONE we know and love would question our choice, but they have. I have been asked about it so many times, I'm going to give our answer and defend our decision publicly. Here it is: I am choosing not to birth any more children. Now, before you smile knowingly at the computer screen, let me add this. We took steps to make sure that we can't. You know, surgical steps.
I'm going to counter some of the things we've heard as to why we MUST give Addison a sibling. Yes, I realize that there are many stereotypes surrounding an only child: they are spoiled, they aren't social, they are egocentric, yada yada yada. Telling me all of that is not going to change my mind, because while I find the birth order effect endlessly fascinating, rarely does a child fit their birth order mold completely. We will try hard to make sure she is well-rounded and altruistic. Yes, I realize that an only child needs someone to play with. That's where friends and cousins come in. And we, as parents, will take extra steps to ensure that she has plenty of opportunities to spend time with other kids. Yes, I know that only children have a lot of responsibilities as their parents age and they have no one to share the burden with. But, as I've seen firsthand, there is no guarantee that more than one sibling will do the bulk of the work anyway. Plus, they get the inheritance all to themselves! :-) No, I don't think that we should have another baby "in case" something happens to her. As if a sibling could just take her place!? And yes, that has been given as a reason why we should have more than one baby. If I don't sound convincing enough, I'm in love with this article published in Time Magazine addressing this very subject.
That being said, I have not ruled out adoption. It was put on my heart long ago as I read Mary Beth Chapman's book, Choosing to See. It was like a bolt of lightning struck me as I was reading; I was SUPPOSED to adopt from China. In my mind, I have already named our second little girl. However, that same bolt has not struck my husband's heart, and unless/until it does, Addison will remain our only. And I'm just fine with that.
Now, on to the unsurprising reason behind our decision; it's very simple. There are no guarantees. This is true for every pregnancy, yes, but my odds are much different. "Habitual aborters" (my diagnosis still makes me cringe) are at a much higher risk for loss than someone who has had zero, one or even two miscarriages. I know myself. I know the roller coaster I was on before we had Addison, the craziness my husband was subjected to. Selfish to me is even considering exposing Addison to that mom who is drowning in loss, that mom who is so consumed with having another child she can think of nothing else. Am I choosing the lesser of two evils? Maybe so, but I don't see it that way.
We did not make this decision lightly nor did we do it without prayer. We feel that we are making the best choice for us, given our past. So now that the "When are you having a baby?" question is taken care of, hopefully this answers the unavoidable "When are you having another one?" that has started already. We aren't. God gave us Addison, entrusted His miracle to us, and unless He intervenes somehow, she will be an only child. We have the family that we've always wanted now, and someday, we will explain our decision to her. God willing, she will understand, even embrace, our choice. And that is all that matters.
I'm going to counter some of the things we've heard as to why we MUST give Addison a sibling. Yes, I realize that there are many stereotypes surrounding an only child: they are spoiled, they aren't social, they are egocentric, yada yada yada. Telling me all of that is not going to change my mind, because while I find the birth order effect endlessly fascinating, rarely does a child fit their birth order mold completely. We will try hard to make sure she is well-rounded and altruistic. Yes, I realize that an only child needs someone to play with. That's where friends and cousins come in. And we, as parents, will take extra steps to ensure that she has plenty of opportunities to spend time with other kids. Yes, I know that only children have a lot of responsibilities as their parents age and they have no one to share the burden with. But, as I've seen firsthand, there is no guarantee that more than one sibling will do the bulk of the work anyway. Plus, they get the inheritance all to themselves! :-) No, I don't think that we should have another baby "in case" something happens to her. As if a sibling could just take her place!? And yes, that has been given as a reason why we should have more than one baby. If I don't sound convincing enough, I'm in love with this article published in Time Magazine addressing this very subject.
That being said, I have not ruled out adoption. It was put on my heart long ago as I read Mary Beth Chapman's book, Choosing to See. It was like a bolt of lightning struck me as I was reading; I was SUPPOSED to adopt from China. In my mind, I have already named our second little girl. However, that same bolt has not struck my husband's heart, and unless/until it does, Addison will remain our only. And I'm just fine with that.
Now, on to the unsurprising reason behind our decision; it's very simple. There are no guarantees. This is true for every pregnancy, yes, but my odds are much different. "Habitual aborters" (my diagnosis still makes me cringe) are at a much higher risk for loss than someone who has had zero, one or even two miscarriages. I know myself. I know the roller coaster I was on before we had Addison, the craziness my husband was subjected to. Selfish to me is even considering exposing Addison to that mom who is drowning in loss, that mom who is so consumed with having another child she can think of nothing else. Am I choosing the lesser of two evils? Maybe so, but I don't see it that way.
We did not make this decision lightly nor did we do it without prayer. We feel that we are making the best choice for us, given our past. So now that the "When are you having a baby?" question is taken care of, hopefully this answers the unavoidable "When are you having another one?" that has started already. We aren't. God gave us Addison, entrusted His miracle to us, and unless He intervenes somehow, she will be an only child. We have the family that we've always wanted now, and someday, we will explain our decision to her. God willing, she will understand, even embrace, our choice. And that is all that matters.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
MOMMY MUST-HAVES!
Have I mentioned I love making lists? Well, I'll say it again. I love making lists. They calm me down and bring order to my little piece of the world. Amidst the chaos of yesterday, I started writing a list in my head, as I tend to do under stress. I'm sure I would be much better off were my stress-relief some form of physical exercise, but alas, list-making it is...
I posted this question to friends shortly before Addison was born: "What was something that you REALLY used when you first had your baby?" I didn't want to register for things that we would either take back right away or kick ourselves for keeping later. 5 months into being a mommy, I have a pretty good idea about all that. I'm not going to include obvious things like diapers or car seats, but here are a few things I was extra thankful for or wished I'd had from the start...
TOP 5 MUST-HAVES FOR MOMMIES
I posted this question to friends shortly before Addison was born: "What was something that you REALLY used when you first had your baby?" I didn't want to register for things that we would either take back right away or kick ourselves for keeping later. 5 months into being a mommy, I have a pretty good idea about all that. I'm not going to include obvious things like diapers or car seats, but here are a few things I was extra thankful for or wished I'd had from the start...
TOP 5 MUST-HAVES FOR MOMMIES
1. A BASSINET. We didn't even register for one. After all, we had an adorable crib with custom-made bedding from my ridiculously talented friend Lori. Why would she sleep in anything else? Erik's intuitive mother got us one despite our ignorance. Well, after a month of sleeping on mommy or daddy's chest, a bassinet in the bedroom was the next best thing. We would push that soothing vibration button and she would be out like a light. And mommy slept a little easier too.
 |
| Our 5-in-1"Sleep System" |
2. A SWING. I'm not talking about those cutesy little cradle swings that move gently from side to side...the ones that cost an arm and a leg. We started out with a Mamaroo, which is pretty much the coolest swing on the planet, and we gave ourselves mental pats on the back for finding a deal on Craigslist. Addison hated it from the beginning. No, instead she prefers the old fashioned ones...you know, the ones that swing you so high you ALMOST complete some sort of death-defying 360 degree loop? (Something I was terrified would happen to me while swinging on the playground). Yup, that's her. The faster and higher the better. This is something we still use and we wish we had had from Day One. Sometimes new technology ISN'T better.
 |
| Our magical Graco swing! |
3. A BOTTLE WARMER. I know so many women out there use microwaves to quickly heat Baby's bottles. I'm not judging; I'm sure thousands of moms have done the same for theirs. But ever since I saw that supposed study on how microwaved water killed plants, I just can't bring myself to do it (even if the reporting websites completely lack credibility). It sounds just scary enough to be true. In a mere 4 minutes and 17 seconds, Addison's 6 oz. bottle is the perfect temperature. Dr. Brown's bottle warmer = $40. Peace of mind that my baby is most definitely not drinking toxic, plant-killing formula = priceless. Caveat: As one of my super-smart friends posted in the comments below, the plant killing experiment was not able to be replicated; I admitted as much above (see "supposed study" and "websites completely lack credibility"). Your microwaved bottles are most certainly safe. Probably...
 |
| We love our Dr. Brown's bottle warmer! |
4. SWADDLERS. For all you moms of sweet, dainty little girls and calm, happy little boys, soft swaddling blankets or even cute little gowns might be sufficient. For Addison, we required something resembling more of a baby straitjacket. It had industrial strength Velcro and a pocket for the legs. The first night we used one was the first night she slept through the night in her bassinet. We were ready to buy out Target's stock. Unfortunately, since our baby is part Hulk and part Houdini, even those failed to restrain her for long, but they were great while they lasted.
 |
| Our industrial strength swaddling blankets... |
5. ONESIES WITH MITTEN CUFFS. From the moment Addison was born, her fingernails grew at an alarming rate. She used them to claw her face, poke her eyes, and stab us, her loving parents. She especially liked to wield her weapons while she was sleeping, ensuring that she would scream bloody murder and wake herself, and everyone else in the house, up. These little suckers put an end to all of that. We were actually starting to worry that we would delay some sort of sensory learning because she wore them so much. It was the only way we could keep her poor face scar free. For awhile I was actually thinking that we would have to have some specially made in toddler size!
Honorable Mentions: A Comfy Glider/Rocker, Tuck's Pads, Mommy-sized Sweatpants, WubbaNub Pacifiers, and the NoseFrida Nasal Aspirator
I would love to hear below what YOU couldn't live without as a first time mom! Maybe together we can save someone money...or help them spend more!!
 |
| Our saving grace onesies! |
Honorable Mentions: A Comfy Glider/Rocker, Tuck's Pads, Mommy-sized Sweatpants, WubbaNub Pacifiers, and the NoseFrida Nasal Aspirator
I would love to hear below what YOU couldn't live without as a first time mom! Maybe together we can save someone money...or help them spend more!!
Monday, April 15, 2013
I Hope...
I had fully intended to sit down tonight and write a relatively light-hearted blog this evening detailing Addison's second month. In light of today's news however, my mind is somewhere else tonight.
I still remember April 19, 1995. I was in 8th grade. I don't remember exactly how I found out about the Murrah Building bombing. All around me I saw taut faces, hidden tears, kids being picked up from school early. I knew something bad had happened. But I'm still not sure that at the age of 13, I fully grasped the gravity of it all. Even as I visited the fence covered with mementos and stared past it to what was left of the Murrah Building, my innocence somehow stayed in tact, my mind unable to connect the horror before me with a person's capacity for evil. It sounds crazy, but when I saw that fence and the love and support it represented, the first word that came to my mind was hope.
At the age of 20, when the World Trade Center tragedy (that seems too light a word) struck, I wasn't quite so naive. My mom woke me up with a phone call and told me to turn on the news. I sat there for hours staring at the television, the coverage both enraging me and numbing me all at once. Although I didn't understand the lasting ramifications for our country that day, I felt unsafe, terrified that someone could think they were doing the right thing, furthering a cause by taking the lives of so many. Whatever shred of innocence I may have had left disappeared that day.
More recently, as a new mom, the shootings in Aurora and Newtown have affected me in a different way. I am no longer scared for myself. I cradle my daughter in my arms and I am terrified beyond words at what her future will be like. I shudder to think that instead of a future inevitable act of terrorism being a major event in history and in her life, it will most likely be as commonplace as a car accident. I cannot bear the thought of my beautiful little girl and her entire generation growing up either too frightened to step outside of their houses or so angry they probably shouldn't.
Today, as I sat and gaped at the coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings, I was taken back to that day so many years ago - the day that my innocence shielded me from what people are really capable of, the reality that safety is most often just an illusion. My heart is broken for the children who just lost their innocence forever, for the families that went to cheer someone on, their hearts full of pride, only to end up crying in the streets, and for the pain of rebuilding lives that so many will have to endure. It also breaks for Addison. This is the world that she is going to grow up in. While I feel helpless to change it, I pray that somehow, some way, we can help her hold onto her childhood as long as possible. That we can make her understand but not be afraid. And if we do our jobs, maybe someday she will find the hope in the darkness just like I did so many years ago, but instead she will hold onto it, using it to make a difference. Maybe even change the world. Oh, how I hope...
I still remember April 19, 1995. I was in 8th grade. I don't remember exactly how I found out about the Murrah Building bombing. All around me I saw taut faces, hidden tears, kids being picked up from school early. I knew something bad had happened. But I'm still not sure that at the age of 13, I fully grasped the gravity of it all. Even as I visited the fence covered with mementos and stared past it to what was left of the Murrah Building, my innocence somehow stayed in tact, my mind unable to connect the horror before me with a person's capacity for evil. It sounds crazy, but when I saw that fence and the love and support it represented, the first word that came to my mind was hope.
At the age of 20, when the World Trade Center tragedy (that seems too light a word) struck, I wasn't quite so naive. My mom woke me up with a phone call and told me to turn on the news. I sat there for hours staring at the television, the coverage both enraging me and numbing me all at once. Although I didn't understand the lasting ramifications for our country that day, I felt unsafe, terrified that someone could think they were doing the right thing, furthering a cause by taking the lives of so many. Whatever shred of innocence I may have had left disappeared that day.
More recently, as a new mom, the shootings in Aurora and Newtown have affected me in a different way. I am no longer scared for myself. I cradle my daughter in my arms and I am terrified beyond words at what her future will be like. I shudder to think that instead of a future inevitable act of terrorism being a major event in history and in her life, it will most likely be as commonplace as a car accident. I cannot bear the thought of my beautiful little girl and her entire generation growing up either too frightened to step outside of their houses or so angry they probably shouldn't.
Today, as I sat and gaped at the coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings, I was taken back to that day so many years ago - the day that my innocence shielded me from what people are really capable of, the reality that safety is most often just an illusion. My heart is broken for the children who just lost their innocence forever, for the families that went to cheer someone on, their hearts full of pride, only to end up crying in the streets, and for the pain of rebuilding lives that so many will have to endure. It also breaks for Addison. This is the world that she is going to grow up in. While I feel helpless to change it, I pray that somehow, some way, we can help her hold onto her childhood as long as possible. That we can make her understand but not be afraid. And if we do our jobs, maybe someday she will find the hope in the darkness just like I did so many years ago, but instead she will hold onto it, using it to make a difference. Maybe even change the world. Oh, how I hope...
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Mommy Musings - Month 1
It's a good thing I didn't publicize any resolutions or themes for this year, because blogging more often would have definitely been on the list. Whoops! As all moms know, free time is at a premium and mine is mainly spent cleaning or playing with Baby Girl. Even now Addison sits on my lap, cheering me on with her squeals and baby talk. I am going to try to make my "Mommy Musings" a "thing"... a monthly update on Addison, mommyhood, and our life in general. This one will center around Addison's first month of life...I have a lot of catching up to do!
Month 1: Our first month as a family of three wasn't quite the fairytale I had imagined. I spent virtually all of my time while I was pregnant worrying about the act of labor itself. I figured motherhood would come naturally and as crazy as it sounds, I barely gave it a second thought. After all, I had waited three years for this miracle; surely I would bond to her immediately. They did put Addison on my chest as soon as she was born, but she was having a little trouble breathing so they took her very quickly; I barely caught a glimpse of her. They whisked her away for a very long time, and honestly, I was so exhausted that I barely protested. I had been up for about 36 hours at that point and I was borderline delirious. Several hours later, when she started screaming inconsolably, I couldn't help but feel slightly relieved when the nurse took her away. The only thing on my mind was sleep, and there was little room for gult.
Once we got her home, the constant screaming continued. She had trouble nursing and was jaundiced, so we had to supplement with formula to ensure she was getting enough to eat. She rarely slept at night, preferring to nap exclusively during the day, and even then only giving in to sleep when she was wrapped up in the arms of her mommy or daddy. Erik and I took turns staying up all night so that we weren't complete zombies. We saved all of our energy for Addison and left nothing for each other or ourselves. I couldn't help but wonder what we had gotten ourselves into.
I can remember one night in particular in which I came into the bedroom where Erik was sleeping at about 3:30AM. I was crying hysterically and Addison was screaming in my arms. I had tried EVERYTHING, and at that point she had been screaming in my face for around 4 hours straight. I felt like a failure, a lunatic, and a sleep-deprived time bomb all in one. He jumped out of bed, let me crawl into it, and took over for the rest of the night. I felt a new respect for single moms at that moment; I don't know how I could have done it without Erik's help.
I had another breakdown about the time I finally worked up the courage to look at myself unclothed in the mirror. I remember telling Erik at that moment that my body was "ruined." Up until then I had been wearing baggy sweats like a security blanket. All throughout my pregnancy I saw different magazines touting celebrities going from due date to physically fit in mere weeks. I was honestly shocked that after almost a month, my body looked nothing like theirs... never mind their stylists, personal trainers, nutritionists, chefs, nannies, and plastic surgeons.
Of course there were beautiful moments interlaced throughout each day. Staring at the beauty of Addison's angelic, sleeping face. Breathing in her sweet scent as I held her in my arms. Gazing into her big blue eyes. Those times helped me remember to relish her first month, to recognize that she would be walking and talking in the blink of an eye.
I'm still not sure why I was so unprepared for the intensity of that first month as a first-time mom. Sure, we had heard that we would have a lack of sleep. I had been told that I would be in a lot of pain those first fewdays months after giving birth. Those things were true, but it was so much more. I know we weren't alone in our difficulty, because once we revealed our experiences to close friends, we could swap similar stories for hours. Honestly, I think the truly hard parts just aren't talked about, unless you google "hysterical, hormonal, sleep-deprived mom of newborn" (which I may or may not have done). Is the difficulty kept quiet due to the fear of sounding ungrateful for the blessing of a child? Is it the worry of being thought of as a bad mom? I feel a little of both, but I also feel the responsibility to tell other women it's normal! It doesn't necessarily mean you have post-partum depression or a colicky baby. Babies scream, parents get tired, and moms are hormonal. And even though it may not subside quickly, it will pass. I promise. And when it does, you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.
Month 1: Our first month as a family of three wasn't quite the fairytale I had imagined. I spent virtually all of my time while I was pregnant worrying about the act of labor itself. I figured motherhood would come naturally and as crazy as it sounds, I barely gave it a second thought. After all, I had waited three years for this miracle; surely I would bond to her immediately. They did put Addison on my chest as soon as she was born, but she was having a little trouble breathing so they took her very quickly; I barely caught a glimpse of her. They whisked her away for a very long time, and honestly, I was so exhausted that I barely protested. I had been up for about 36 hours at that point and I was borderline delirious. Several hours later, when she started screaming inconsolably, I couldn't help but feel slightly relieved when the nurse took her away. The only thing on my mind was sleep, and there was little room for gult.
Once we got her home, the constant screaming continued. She had trouble nursing and was jaundiced, so we had to supplement with formula to ensure she was getting enough to eat. She rarely slept at night, preferring to nap exclusively during the day, and even then only giving in to sleep when she was wrapped up in the arms of her mommy or daddy. Erik and I took turns staying up all night so that we weren't complete zombies. We saved all of our energy for Addison and left nothing for each other or ourselves. I couldn't help but wonder what we had gotten ourselves into.
I can remember one night in particular in which I came into the bedroom where Erik was sleeping at about 3:30AM. I was crying hysterically and Addison was screaming in my arms. I had tried EVERYTHING, and at that point she had been screaming in my face for around 4 hours straight. I felt like a failure, a lunatic, and a sleep-deprived time bomb all in one. He jumped out of bed, let me crawl into it, and took over for the rest of the night. I felt a new respect for single moms at that moment; I don't know how I could have done it without Erik's help.
I had another breakdown about the time I finally worked up the courage to look at myself unclothed in the mirror. I remember telling Erik at that moment that my body was "ruined." Up until then I had been wearing baggy sweats like a security blanket. All throughout my pregnancy I saw different magazines touting celebrities going from due date to physically fit in mere weeks. I was honestly shocked that after almost a month, my body looked nothing like theirs... never mind their stylists, personal trainers, nutritionists, chefs, nannies, and plastic surgeons.
Of course there were beautiful moments interlaced throughout each day. Staring at the beauty of Addison's angelic, sleeping face. Breathing in her sweet scent as I held her in my arms. Gazing into her big blue eyes. Those times helped me remember to relish her first month, to recognize that she would be walking and talking in the blink of an eye.
I'm still not sure why I was so unprepared for the intensity of that first month as a first-time mom. Sure, we had heard that we would have a lack of sleep. I had been told that I would be in a lot of pain those first few
 |
| Addison at one month approving of the bookcase Daddy built her. |
Sunday, December 23, 2012
It's Okay!
I love lists. Grocery lists, to-do lists, packing lists - I like making them in my head, writing them down, checking them off. Sometimes I even add things to my to-do lists that I know I’m about to finish, just to have the satisfaction of marking through them. There’s just something about visually seeing all you’ve accomplished. I also enjoy other people’s lists. David Letterman’s Top Ten used to be a nightly favorite when I could stay awake that late. ESPN’s Power Rankings are something I look forward to every week during basketball season. Lists provide humor and wisdom in a short, concise format that I appreciate. One of the lists I love the most is the "Hey, it's okay..." list in Glamour magazine. I love thinking, "Someone else does/thinks that? I'm not crazy after all!" Below is my own post-pregnancy list. Enjoy!
HEY, IT'S OKAY...
To spend an entire day of maternity leave in your pajamas. Or five.
To be secretly disappointed that your stomach didn't return to it's pre-pregnancy state immediately following delivery.
For your Christmas wish list to consist of one word...SLEEP.
To realize at about 11:00PM that the only thing you've accomplished that day is memorizing your baby's face as you watch her sleep.
To have not the slightest clue as to what day, week, or even month it is at any given moment.
To discover that you only need about half of the things you registered for and a lot more of the things you didn't.
To force a bow on her head any time you leave the house. Who knows where those "Gerber Baby" scouts may be lurking!?
To have an inexplicable, sudden need for an SUV to transport your giant family of 3.
To stare at her adoringly while she's sleeping in her crib, then duck down at the slightest indication that she's waking up.
To dread going back to work more every day, even if you love your job.
For your phone background to change from your puppy to your baby right away. And your screensaver. And your profile picture. And your...
To consider a day that includes showering, fixing your hair, putting on makeup, and wearing actual shoes a success.
To realize that you've found your life's purpose wrapped in God's tiny miracle. And for you to be wrapped around that tiny miracle's finger already. :-)
To have an inexplicable, sudden need for an SUV to transport your giant family of 3.
To stare at her adoringly while she's sleeping in her crib, then duck down at the slightest indication that she's waking up.
To dread going back to work more every day, even if you love your job.
For your phone background to change from your puppy to your baby right away. And your screensaver. And your profile picture. And your...
To consider a day that includes showering, fixing your hair, putting on makeup, and wearing actual shoes a success.
To realize that you've found your life's purpose wrapped in God's tiny miracle. And for you to be wrapped around that tiny miracle's finger already. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)