The Glass Isn't Empty!

It is with hopefulness, thankfulness, and excitement that I report that at this moment I am still pregnant! I know that may sound a little strange, but as most of you know, nothing about my journey has been normal. Most women don't see a doctor until at least their 8th week; I've seen mine once (sometimes twice) a week since week 3. I've had a few problems that have given me some scares, but at this time I have seen the baby's heartbeat twice and so far it's measuring a week bigger than my dates say it should. (7 versus 6) Dr. IC said that at this point we should "consider the glass at least 60-70% full." Any fuller and it might tip over and spill right? 70% is full enough for me.

This pregnancy so far just has a whole different feel to it. I am sicker, more exhausted, and more at peace than I have been through past experiences. Some of my friends may question the "at peace" part due to the amount of prayer requests I've been soliciting at every turn, but it's true. At peace for me doesn't mean no anxiety, as I'm not sure that I even know how to live that way. Even when I'm not pregnant I give off a stressed vibe...that's just me. At peace means that I know now more than ever that God is in control and there is NOTHING I can do but pray. Previously that knowledge just left me feeling helpless; this time it's a little empowering. I can't ruin this or change the outcome. God's plan is in motion; my attitude while I live it is just as meaningful a testimony as it will be when I hold a baby in my arms someday. Now THAT, I CAN control.

Puzzle Pieces and Plus Signs

Isaiah 55:9 says, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This verse explains so much...while essentially explaining nothing at all.

For the past few years I've been searching. Searching for God's plan, searching for the missing puzzle piece that would complete the picture showing my future, searching for answers. I was trying to humanize God.

I took the miscarriages to mean that maybe we should foster. (Our human minds MUST make immediate sense of tragedy). I decided that our difficult time fostering equaled the need to adopt through DHS. Then when that didn't happen in my timeline I began planning to save for a domestic or even foreign adoption. Common denominator? I, I, I. GOD is in control, not me. I cannot put God in a box. I can't frantically connect the dots and try to make sense of the senseless, not without diminishing the beauty of surrender. If I had all of the pieces to the puzzle, I wouldn't need faith, or even prayer.

I can say this much...God never ceases to amaze and surprise me. This leads me to our BIG NEWS. On the same day that the adoption worker FINALLY called me back, I saw a plus sign (and I don't teach math). It was super faint, but 3...or 6...tests later the virtually invisible lines were growing darker. Yup, I'm pregnant.

I'm only 4 weeks and I found out just before I was 3! I feel super pregnant this time...and I relish every symptom. I have been to the doctor 3 times already. I've had excellent HCG and progesterone levels, and today I saw the gestational sac. It is much too early to see anything else, but Dr. IC was very encouraged that it was in the right place. I have to admit, I was a little disheartened when he asked if it was my first pregnancy. I know he has lots of patients, but c'mon, at least read my chart before you walk in the door. That is such a painful question to answer! Regardless, his impressive credentials (from whence he got his name) gleaming from the wall reflected a confidence that can't be ignored. I'm excited for the coming days, and I'm taking his assurance to heart.

God is in control, and after five heart-breaking miscarriages I am more than happy to relinquish it to Him. You see, His ways are not my ways, and at this moment I have never been more thankful.

New Year's Resolution Solution

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about resolutions. After all, in January the reminders are everywhere you turn...Target ads boasting fitness gear and storage tubs on sale, gyms offering specials to get people in the door, and Weight Watchers ads slipping in between every other commercial. We've been raised to know you're supposed to implement a change on January 1st...and then beat yourself up a month later when you slip, lose all motivation, and feel even worse than before. Frankly, who needs that? The word resolution in itself has a negative connotation. Being resolute in something just does not inspire anything positive...I think old tennis shoes, an 80s style head band, sweat, and a grim, pained face. I'm not sure why, but well, there it is. Needless to say, I want something other than that as my mental picture for the year.

I don't have a resolution...I have an all-encompassing theme!This year, more than any year before it, I will choose to be SATISFIED, in every aspect.

IN MY JOB:
I have amazing coworkers, supportive bosses, and some fun curriculum. That alone is enough for satisfaction at work, no?

IN MY WRITING:
I am a perfectionist who reads, rereads, and pretty much memorizes each blog before I post it. This allows me to rattle the words around in my brain until I'm certain they're exactly what I want to say...this takes up a lot more time than the 20-30 minutes I might spend writing the actual post. Now you know why I haven't blogged in 2 months!! No more, however. I will write what I want to write, when I want to write it, with less regard to how interesting others may find it. I wanted to write no regard, but that's pushing my perfectionism recovery a bit too far.

IN MY MARRIAGE:
I was reading an article the other day about how we tend to nitpick our spouse because we as a culture have bought into the idea that only a person can complete us, and if we had just married that perfect person, our lives would be better (see Hollywood romantic comedies). Honestly, the amount of satisfaction we get from our spouses is primarily up to us, and I believe this whole-heartedly. I just need a little reminder from time to time.

IN MY "BABYLESS" SITUATION
Yes, we remain without child. DHS has had a big hand in that, because they never put us onto their adoption list! For six months we've been patiently and prayerfully waiting...all the while not being advocated for at all! I'm thinking God must have something truly amazing and miraculous in store for us because we've just been through too much. It almost makes me laugh (if only to keep from crying). Everytime another roadblock comes up, I just shake my head and look up...He has a plan. Meanwhile, I have learned to really and truly find satisfaction in my time (and our time) alone. I think I have to be satisfied with the silence before I am blessed with the noise.

IN MY FRIENDSHIPS
I have some wonderful friends. Old friends, close friends, friends that have been there for the highs and lows, friends that have offered encouragement when I felt like maybe happiness just wasn't in my dictionary. This may sound pathetic, but what I've really been longing for as of late is a BEST friend. When I went to college I was working full time, going to school full time, and barely had time to sleep, much less maintain friendships. Then I moved to Boise City with Erik (a whole world away) and lost contact with human civilization. I finally made some lovely friends out there, and then we moved back. It was like starting all over again. It seemed like everyone around me had paired off and had their "go-to-person." Not to mention the fact that I'm not the easiest person to get to know! I have been praying for awhile now that God bring me someone that I can spend time with when my hubby's working late, and who has a lot in common with me. He has brought a couple of amazing, spiritual women into my life and I'm so grateful!

IN HIM
This is my #1 priority. I have joined a women's Bible study called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. For me to truly be satisfied in all other areas of my life, I need to first be satisfied in Him. It's not hard. All I have to do is look around. I can see so, so many answered prayers. I was spending so much time dwelling on the ONE prayer that I haven't seen answered yet that it was causing me to be unsatisfied in every facet of life. Can you imagine? You give your child everything they've ever wanted and all they can do is look around at what everyone else has and think their own "stuff" isn't good enough. P* did that a lot and it was very frustrating and honestly like a slap in the face. I believe that's what I've been doing to God. I am blessed beyond measure and I need to act like it. Satisfaction is mine to embrace...I just have to choose to receive it!

*Update on P: He is still getting help, but is ready to be released very soon. We still see him and he still calls, but he has pulled away a little in anticipation of having a new family. We are praying daily that God has the perfect family waiting to embrace him when he's released. He is the bravest 10 year old I've ever known.

Where There's A Will, There's A When

Hello Friends, it's been awhile. When I go this long without writing, something happens. Every wandering thought gets stored as a potential blog entry and my fingers start to twitch in anticipation of flying across a keyboard again. I needed some relief from the madness, so I decided that now was as good a time as any to share a little more about P's life, give an update about where P is now, and tell a bit about my life since his departure.

All I can really say about P's "before" story is that I have never met, and doubt if I ever will meet, a person with a more tragic story. Because of what he has faced, he now struggles academically, socially, and of course emotionally. Fortunately, P's brother has adjusted a little better and has found a wonderful foster home, but his sister's life has virtually mirrored his. She has yet to find her place in this world either. P and his sister are now both somewhere that provides the kind of help they should have gotten the moment the "after" part of their story started. The incompetence of certain DHS workers and even the agency in general has been beyond shocking, but that is for another blog.

P has a short call list and although that saddens me, it does mean that we get to speak with him quite often, usually daily. We also get to visit him for a few hours each weekend. We spend our time with him playing games, walking around in their little courtyard, and watching him enjoy his weekly treat of a pop and some candy. They allow visitors to hit up their vending machines and I'm convinced they make a killing off our guilt! I know that our visits are one of the highlights of his week (hopefully not JUST for the sweets). Unfortunately I don't see him being allowed to leave this place for quite some time. His outbursts, while completely understandable, are not under control yet. If you spend just a moment with him, however, anyone can see that his bravado is just fear, that his anger covers up debilitating pain, and that deep down he wants to be loved more than anything in this world. We are the ONLY ones on his side, and that is why we know that even though we still have no idea what our forever roles in P's life will be, we DO know that we want to be a part of it for as long as he wants us to be. Whether we're his cool aunt and uncle or just the people that take him to church every week, I'm confident that we will be permanent fixtures in his life.

Since he left, my range of emotions has been surprising to say the least. I've been extremely down, numb, angry, and everywhere in between. The thought of a child enduring even a portion of what he's gone through is enough to make you question everything you've ever known. So for the last month, that's where I've been. Questioning our decision to let P go, stewing in my "righteous" anger regarding his circumstances, and wallowing in the feelings of failure over something that I KNOW I had no hand in. I don't know why, after all I've been through, P's situation is what finally sent me over the edge, but it did.

Thankfully, I'm back from the abyss. Lots of reading, praying, talking, and renewing of the mind. It has been a hard, one-day-at-a-time climb. We are still childless, and DHS's "next on the list" evidently translates to months and months of waiting. Our worker went on maternity leave the same day our paperwork was finalized, so we anticipate a few more weeks of waiting before our advocate is back, well, advocating for us. Still, I remain in a good place. Waiting is something I'm used to. And this time the anticipation isn't a matter of will it happen? It's more a matter of when.

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough...

Carousels. I enjoy watching them, and the opportunities to do so abound this time of year. Each one is unique and ornate; I think it’s so fun to watch a child get excited about the particular animal or horse they want. There’s something about a specific one that speaks to each person differently. Then, once everyone’s settled and the ride starts, it picks up speed and it becomes harder and harder to make out each individual outline and they begin to run together until the whole carousel is just a blur of swirling colors and breathless laughter. This year, watching such a simple thing evoked such strong imagery for me. Choices made, ups and downs, always spinning, not unlike our lives.

I suppose I also like the carousel because it seems secure. No chance of a car hurtling towards the ground in a 50 foot fall. Unlikely that you’ll get puked on by the person next to you. Our lives, as of a month ago, were safe, just the way I like them. We came home, we watched our shows, we ate what we wanted, did what we wanted, essentially only had ourselves to think about. P changed all that. My world changed quickly from carousel to roller coaster. Sometimes when we make choices in life and commit to them, later we can’t remember choosing them at all. The safe gray horse changes before your eyes into a 2-seater on a track, and you don’t know how you got there.

I know that my head knew that love wouldn’t be enough for P. I believe that my heart may even have believed it too. But somewhere, locked deep inside, was just enough arrogance to believe that maybe, just maybe, it could be. Arrogance plus ignorance is a very dangerous combination. I said before we were in over our heads, and we were. I said that we were learning, and we did. What I didn’t say was that this was the hardest thing we’ve EVER taken on, and that includes our miscarriages. I didn’t say that the more we loved, the more he pushed us away. And I didn’t say that my hair was starting to fall out and my heart would pound from stress anytime he walked into a room. Even with that, we were committed, even when the car started hurtling towards the ground. Love does crazy things.

In a perfect world, love would have been enough. In a perfect world, P would be in his room asleep right now, dreaming of the horses. And in a perfect world, people like us wouldn’t be needed at all. Choices would be as easy as picking your favorite steed and life’s ups and downs would be as smooth and seamless as a carousel ride. I pray that for P, one day his will be.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly!!

Parenting is HARD. Nobody and nothing, not even the 27 mandatory hours of DHS training, could have possibly prepared us for how difficult it is to be a parent. The rose-colored glasses with baby-girl-etched lenses I’ve been wearing for so long are gone. In their absence, I have seen what it REALLY means to be a mom, the good, the bad and the ugly. This week we’ve experienced some of the ugliest moments yet. Once again, God is using our struggles to bring us closer to Him; my strength alone is just not sufficient to even get me through the day as of late.

A quick glimpse at some of the less glamorous parts of parenting: The money I used to set aside for clothes? Well, it still gets spent on clothes; they’re just not for me. The time I used to spend relaxing after school? It’s now spent throwing a football, jamming my fingers whilst trying to catch it, then fishing said football out of the poison ivy infested creek behind our house. My favorite shows? Replaced by SpongeBob and movies that involve talking animals (a bit creepy frankly). My Pioneer Woman cooking? Well, trips to Wal-Mart are yet to be well-received, so all experimental meals are on hold. (To be honest, I’m not super sad about that). Privacy? I’m going to need a definition; I’ve forgotten the meaning. I’ve had to really, REALLY work at perspective. Remember, we’re not used to having anyone in our home but the two of us, and on top of that this is not your typical child. PERSPECTIVE, PERSPECTIVE, PERSPECTIVE. No new clothes? Materialism combatant. Poison ivy exposure? Discovering once and for all if I’m really allergic. Movies with talking animals? Down time to turn off my brain and think about nothing. No Wal-Mart shopping? Well, those benefits are just obvious. No privacy? More exercise when racing to time my bathroom trips to match his.

I’ve also had to really hold on to the more beautiful parts of this journey and replay them in my head throughout the day, lingering on them when I’m feeling some major stress-induced eye-twitching coming on. For instance, one of my favorite times of the day is bedtime, when he’s FINALLY settled in (after the hundredth excuse to get out of bed), we sit together, and I read to him from Harry Potter as he falls asleep. Also, I know that it’s a little early for him to call me Mom, but as he couldn’t remember my name half the time, after the first few days we gave up and gave in; I don’t mind. I like helping him with his homework, all the while secretly helping him with his self-esteem too. He says he gets smarter every day here. Sometimes he says things that are totally hilarious and recalling them later can still make me laugh. I can pick his face out of a crowd of kids in a matter of seconds, and there are moments when the recognition that I have when looking at his face is both overwhelming and familiar. Also, surprisingly, buying clothes for someone else is ALMOST as fun as shopping for yourself! J

Thankfully, the good days are increasing in number, the bad days are turning into shorter, more manageable bad moments, and the ugly, well, it’s best when forgotten quickly. Every day is new, and God is good. I rest in the knowledge that God does not call the equipped. Rather, He equips the called. We have answered His call, and we have faith that He is still on the other end of the line.

New Addition!

There are several versions out there of a quote that should be my bumper sticker as many times as I’ve lived it: “If You Want to Make God Laugh, Tell Him Your Plans.” Remember all of those things I wrote about us wanting a baby? Well, we do. And we believe with all of our hearts that we will adopt one someday soon. But as I write this, we have a child in our home who is much, much older than said baby. I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but it goes something like this…

God began a stirring in my heart for a child that I know personally - we’ll call them “P”. P was set to go to a shelter Tuesday night after the latest foster home said they were done with P. I knew that they would allow P to come to our home before our training was done because I knew P (a non-related kinship). I knew there were unspeakable things in P’s past, and a future of unsettling uncertainties. I also knew that P had a lot of issues that would cause most people to run the other way. This knowledge gave me ringside seats to my own internal knock-down drag-out. In this corner, weighing heavily on my mind: what I want to do!!!! And in this corner, weighing heavily on my heart: what I know I should do!!! As you’ve probably guessed, my heart won that fight. People have just been amazed at what we’ve chosen to do and have given us so much praise, but I just have to say, “It’s a God thing.” This weekend my pastor put into words exactly what I was thinking at that pivotal moment: “Somebody’s got to do something; it might as well be me!” We are so conditioned to not let in the hurt, because when we really allow ourselves to feel it, we can’t NOT act. I could have turned my back and then spent the rest of my life trying to ignore the guilt, or I could step into the unknown, let the pain of the burden fill me up, take a leap of faith, and change a life. Truth is, my head was never really in the fight after all.

I know people are wondering if this is permanent, and if not, how long we will have P. We are not planning on it being a permanent placement, but the truth is, we have no idea how long P will be in our home. Our first priority is getting P settled and helping P feel safe and secure. DHS’s goal is to eventually put P in a home with brother and sister and, well, we are just not willing to adopt 3 kiddos right now. We don’t know when or if they will find that home. Although we've already had really, REALLY tough days, our commitment to P’s well-being has not wavered, nor will it. We will do what is best for P first, and that is really the only way I know how to answer that question. There’s not much I can say about how I know P, came to get P, or really anything about P, due to the fact that DHS frowns upon divulging too much, and I’d rather be safe than sorry. Going into this whole process, I never imagined having a child that I couldn’t carry in my arms (or at least push in a stroller) at my age! I CAN say that we were in over our heads before P ever walked in the door, but we are all learning together.

A few lessons I, for one, have learned in the past few days (just thought I’d share):

1)      The word BEER on a root beer bottle is just too prominent. Inspires lots of inappropriate comments, usually spoken in a loud volume for the restaurant to hear. Note to self: ask for a cup instead!

2)    If you don’t specifically say WASH YOUR HAIR, it doesn’t happen. TAKE A SHOWER is just not detailed enough.

3)    Kids are expensive, and a Wal-Mart trip is not a good idea when they have a bad case of the “I wants.”

4)    Kids can melt your heart one minute and break it the next.

5)    The way they can get up each morning after the cards some of them have been dealt is nothing short of heroic (e.g. having everything they’ve ever owned stripped from them in an instant).

6)    Nothing makes you love your husband more than seeing him play with a child that worships him.

7)    Even this type of motherhood changes you instantaneously. It brings out all of your protective instincts, and you realize just how self-centered your life has really been.  

8)    Love isn’t enough, but it goes a long way. Also, singing a Taylor Swift song together at the top of your lungs helps with the bonding.

9)    Kids will surprise you when you least expect it, and often in the best ways.

10) Kids tell it like it is, whether you want to hear it or not.

Like I said, I’m learning a lot, and I know that when we DO get a baby, these lessons will prove invaluable. And who knows, P just might be around to see it!