I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about resolutions. After all, in January the reminders are everywhere you turn...Target ads boasting fitness gear and storage tubs on sale, gyms offering specials to get people in the door, and Weight Watchers ads slipping in between every other commercial. We've been raised to know you're supposed to implement a change on January 1st...and then beat yourself up a month later when you slip, lose all motivation, and feel even worse than before. Frankly, who needs that? The word resolution in itself has a negative connotation. Being resolute in something just does not inspire anything positive...I think old tennis shoes, an 80s style head band, sweat, and a grim, pained face. I'm not sure why, but well, there it is. Needless to say, I want something other than that as my mental picture for the year.
I don't have a resolution...I have an all-encompassing theme!This year, more than any year before it, I will choose to be SATISFIED, in every aspect.
IN MY JOB:
I have amazing coworkers, supportive bosses, and some fun curriculum. That alone is enough for satisfaction at work, no?
IN MY WRITING:
I am a perfectionist who reads, rereads, and pretty much memorizes each blog before I post it. This allows me to rattle the words around in my brain until I'm certain they're exactly what I want to say...this takes up a lot more time than the 20-30 minutes I might spend writing the actual post. Now you know why I haven't blogged in 2 months!! No more, however. I will write what I want to write, when I want to write it, with less regard to how interesting others may find it. I wanted to write no regard, but that's pushing my perfectionism recovery a bit too far.
IN MY MARRIAGE:
I was reading an article the other day about how we tend to nitpick our spouse because we as a culture have bought into the idea that only a person can complete us, and if we had just married that perfect person, our lives would be better (see Hollywood romantic comedies). Honestly, the amount of satisfaction we get from our spouses is primarily up to us, and I believe this whole-heartedly. I just need a little reminder from time to time.
IN MY "BABYLESS" SITUATION
Yes, we remain without child. DHS has had a big hand in that, because they never put us onto their adoption list! For six months we've been patiently and prayerfully waiting...all the while not being advocated for at all! I'm thinking God must have something truly amazing and miraculous in store for us because we've just been through too much. It almost makes me laugh (if only to keep from crying). Everytime another roadblock comes up, I just shake my head and look up...He has a plan. Meanwhile, I have learned to really and truly find satisfaction in my time (and our time) alone. I think I have to be satisfied with the silence before I am blessed with the noise.
IN MY FRIENDSHIPS
I have some wonderful friends. Old friends, close friends, friends that have been there for the highs and lows, friends that have offered encouragement when I felt like maybe happiness just wasn't in my dictionary. This may sound pathetic, but what I've really been longing for as of late is a BEST friend. When I went to college I was working full time, going to school full time, and barely had time to sleep, much less maintain friendships. Then I moved to Boise City with Erik (a whole world away) and lost contact with human civilization. I finally made some lovely friends out there, and then we moved back. It was like starting all over again. It seemed like everyone around me had paired off and had their "go-to-person." Not to mention the fact that I'm not the easiest person to get to know! I have been praying for awhile now that God bring me someone that I can spend time with when my hubby's working late, and who has a lot in common with me. He has brought a couple of amazing, spiritual women into my life and I'm so grateful!
This is my #1 priority. I have joined a women's Bible study called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. For me to truly be satisfied in all other areas of my life, I need to first be satisfied in Him. It's not hard. All I have to do is look around. I can see so, so many answered prayers. I was spending so much time dwelling on the ONE prayer that I haven't seen answered yet that it was causing me to be unsatisfied in every facet of life. Can you imagine? You give your child everything they've ever wanted and all they can do is look around at what everyone else has and think their own "stuff" isn't good enough. P* did that a lot and it was very frustrating and honestly like a slap in the face. I believe that's what I've been doing to God. I am blessed beyond measure and I need to act like it. Satisfaction is mine to embrace...I just have to choose to receive it!
*Update on P: He is still getting help, but is ready to be released very soon. We still see him and he still calls, but he has pulled away a little in anticipation of having a new family. We are praying daily that God has the perfect family waiting to embrace him when he's released. He is the bravest 10 year old I've ever known.