Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Glass Isn't Empty!

It is with hopefulness, thankfulness, and excitement that I report that at this moment I am still pregnant! I know that may sound a little strange, but as most of you know, nothing about my journey has been normal. Most women don't see a doctor until at least their 8th week; I've seen mine once (sometimes twice) a week since week 3. I've had a few problems that have given me some scares, but at this time I have seen the baby's heartbeat twice and so far it's measuring a week bigger than my dates say it should. (7 versus 6) Dr. IC said that at this point we should "consider the glass at least 60-70% full." Any fuller and it might tip over and spill right? 70% is full enough for me.

This pregnancy so far just has a whole different feel to it. I am sicker, more exhausted, and more at peace than I have been through past experiences. Some of my friends may question the "at peace" part due to the amount of prayer requests I've been soliciting at every turn, but it's true. At peace for me doesn't mean no anxiety, as I'm not sure that I even know how to live that way. Even when I'm not pregnant I give off a stressed vibe...that's just me. At peace means that I know now more than ever that God is in control and there is NOTHING I can do but pray. Previously that knowledge just left me feeling helpless; this time it's a little empowering. I can't ruin this or change the outcome. God's plan is in motion; my attitude while I live it is just as meaningful a testimony as it will be when I hold a baby in my arms someday. Now THAT, I CAN control.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Puzzle Pieces and Plus Signs

Isaiah 55:9 says, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This verse explains so much...while essentially explaining nothing at all.

For the past few years I've been searching. Searching for God's plan, searching for the missing puzzle piece that would complete the picture showing my future, searching for answers. I was trying to humanize God.

I took the miscarriages to mean that maybe we should foster. (Our human minds MUST make immediate sense of tragedy). I decided that our difficult time fostering equaled the need to adopt through DHS. Then when that didn't happen in my timeline I began planning to save for a domestic or even foreign adoption. Common denominator? I, I, I. GOD is in control, not me. I cannot put God in a box. I can't frantically connect the dots and try to make sense of the senseless, not without diminishing the beauty of surrender. If I had all of the pieces to the puzzle, I wouldn't need faith, or even prayer.

I can say this much...God never ceases to amaze and surprise me. This leads me to our BIG NEWS. On the same day that the adoption worker FINALLY called me back, I saw a plus sign (and I don't teach math). It was super faint, but 3...or 6...tests later the virtually invisible lines were growing darker. Yup, I'm pregnant.

I'm only 4 weeks and I found out just before I was 3! I feel super pregnant this time...and I relish every symptom. I have been to the doctor 3 times already. I've had excellent HCG and progesterone levels, and today I saw the gestational sac. It is much too early to see anything else, but Dr. IC was very encouraged that it was in the right place. I have to admit, I was a little disheartened when he asked if it was my first pregnancy. I know he has lots of patients, but c'mon, at least read my chart before you walk in the door. That is such a painful question to answer! Regardless, his impressive credentials (from whence he got his name) gleaming from the wall reflected a confidence that can't be ignored. I'm excited for the coming days, and I'm taking his assurance to heart.

God is in control, and after five heart-breaking miscarriages I am more than happy to relinquish it to Him. You see, His ways are not my ways, and at this moment I have never been more thankful.