My FIRST Mother's Day

This year, I get to experience my first Mother's Day as a mom. I think that sentence, with all of its unspoken emotion, could stand alone as a blog entry.

It was on Mother's Day two years ago that I stood watching the baby dedications at church as tears poured down my face. I will never forget practically running out of the sanctuary to escape the pain. I eventually found respite in the bathroom of all places, and the locked stall served as a barrier to the rest of the world for a few moments. I prayed and raged and bargained, and in the end, I went back to my seat, utterly defeated. I'm pretty sure I cried silently through that entire sermon. I allowed myself very few breakdowns over the years, but that one is seared into my memory.

They offer those same dedications twice a year, and I knew without a doubt that I wanted to do Addison's on Mother's Day weekend. This year, our families were in the sanctuary praying for our family of 3 as we were promising before God and the church that we commit to raising her intentionally in Christ. We dedicated our gift back to Him, asked Him to guide our decisions as parents, give us wisdom, and bless our little girl as she grows. This year, when the tears began to flow, it was an outpouring of joy and thankfulness that I cannot possibly express in words.

They asked in our dedication class that we write a letter to our child affirming her, outlining our hopes, dreams, and prayers for her, and telling her about the importance of Christ. I can't imagine an easier assignment...

Our Precious Addison,

Today is my first Mother's Day as a mom. I want you to know how much and how long I have looked forward to this day. This is the day I get to celebrate my favorite thing in the world...taking care of YOU. From your sleepy grin first thing in the morning to your crazy antics right before you crash for the night...you make me smile and laugh more than anyone in this world ever has. 

Last night, on Mother's Day Eve, Daddy (or Dada as you like to say) and I took part in your Baby Dedication. We stood in front of the church and committed to raising you in the Lord, to setting an example for you in our faith, and to being the best parents we can be. Then our Campus Pastor, Chris Beall, came and prayed over our little family. He has prayed over us numerous times throughout the years, and recognizes what a little miracle you truly are. His prayer was powerful and moving. In it, we thanked God over and over for our greatest gift... YOU. 

After he prayed for us, your daddy and I had some time to pray on our own. I have so many, many hopes and prayers for you, my child. These are just a few of the things, big and small, that ran through my mind in those moments: I hope that you aren't as serious as I was; that you'll have an easy smile and an unapologetic laugh. I hope that you always feel safe and secure in your home, and within yourself. I hope that reading brings you as much joy as it does me. I hope that you love school, and that academics are very important to you. I hope that you have lots of true Christian friends who love you for who you are and never try to change you. I pray that today's selfish and secular culture will be mere background noise as you stand firm in your convictions. I pray that you will graduate from college to do something you love, and not just get a job you can tolerate. I pray that someday, when the time is right, you will meet a Godly man who cherishes you, respects you, and draws you closer to Christ. I pray that if and when you decide to have a baby with your husband, that you will have the easiest pregnancy possible.  But most of all, more than any of those things, I pray that someday you will make the most important decision of your life: to become a fully devoted follower of Christ. There is no choice in this world more significant. 

We also prayed for certain qualities and gifts to be exemplified in you. We asked for you to display integrity in every facet of your life. We prayed that you will be given a discerning heart when it comes to making all choices, including choosing those you surround yourself with. We also asked that on top of your already noticeable intelligence, that you be blessed with wisdom. There are so many spiritual gifts that you may be given, but these are some that we prayed specifically for, so that others may see Him in you. 

I have no doubt that you are going to be a candle in the darkness of this world, Addison. You can already light up a room with your infectious laughter and contagious smile. You have changed me, my beautiful daughter, and in the very best way. I know that last night was just the beginning of my pride as your mom. 

With all my love, 

Mommy

Addison's Baby Dedication ~ May 11, 2013
"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

Time Marches On...

Time. Time is a tricky thing. It is a rare constant, always moving forward at the same rate, and yet at any given moment to any given person, it feels varying, wavering, fluctuating. Never the same and yet always the same. It is unfeeling, without empathy, and impartial. A best friend or a worst enemy, or even both at the same time, a double-edged sword.  

Addison's birth is the most anticipated event of my life. When I think of holding her, seeing her, becoming a mother, time seems to stand still, even move backwards, days dragging into weeks. However, when I think about labor, giving birth, the fear of the unknown, the seconds speed by. I can't even seem to catch my breath. 

I believe our relationship with time is never more complex than when grieving a loss. My grandmother just went to be with the Lord a few hours ago. What my family wouldn't give to rewind time, stop it, selfishly keep her here with us a few more days. But as those closest to her saw her suffering, time was mercilessly slow.

Addison's entrance into this world coinciding with my grandma's departure of it is an example of time's cruelest paradox. My beautiful baby girl will never know her precious great-grandmother and my grandma never got to see me have a child of my own. I can only pray that Addison's addition to our family will be a bit of healing for us all. Even though I have lost someone who played a major role in so many memories, I will be forever thankful that I have them, and know that they will shape many of the new traditions we will make with Addison.

I am the world’s guiltiest when it comes to looking forward to events and wishing away the time in between. In these last few weeks before Addison comes, my grandma’s passing reminds me of how important it is to embrace every moment as it comes. I want to enjoy this time with Erik before our worlds are turned upside down in the best way. Time and life are synonymous. I don’t want to take even a second for granted; those seemingly meaningless, simple moments are when life happens, or passes you by if you’re not paying attention. My grandma is leaving behind such a remarkable legacy and has taught me many valuable lessons; I’m so grateful to be a recipient of this one.    

Queen of Excuses

I am the QUEEN of excuses. No, I don’t often use them on unsuspecting friends (as we prepare to move, I’m sure we’ll hear our fair share... “What? EVERYONE we know is working and/or ill this weekend? Wow!”). The excuses I’m referring to are the ones I tell myself. They occur when I’m thinking of the future, most notably when I don’t want to do something I know I should. For example, I have been talking about serving at SWITCH on Wednesday nights, the youth ministry of our church. I plan to minister to 6^th grade girls. Enter excuse of the day here _______________. When we move and are settled… When I feel better…  When I’m not so tired by Wednesdays that I want to sleep for a week…  You get the idea. We have also been throwing around the idea (prayerfully of course) of hosting our own marriage LifeGroup. This would be a big step out of our comfort zone, but we both feel led to do so. Good thing the avalanche of excuses is ready and waiting to bury said idea. When we have more time… When our church has the training…  When we are settled and moved (I am particularly fond of this one obviously)… 

I have begun to realize that my whole life lately has been one big excuse, so much so that I am not living in the present. If I’m truly honest with myself, I have been consumed with one excuse in particular, my go-to excuse. When we have kids then I…  Forget the amazing life I have right now, it doesn’t start until we have kids. When we have kids then I will spend more time with Erik and with our families. When we have kids then I will stop working so hard. When we have kids then I will be happier, more fulfilled, more candy-and-hearts adjectives. Frankly, I am tired of living in the future. What exactly is so wrong with my present? I see so many people around me focusing on the next big step…marriage, kids, promotions, a NEW HOUSE! I have seen too much sadness around me to know that the next “when” is not guaranteed. I am done with being the queen of excuses…the only excuse I want to make from now on is “Sorry, I’m too busy living my amazing life right now!! Maybe tomorrow…”

House Hunting Continued...

Decisions, decisions. When it comes to making decisions, I am your classic “I don’t care” answerer - all the while harboring very strong feelings that I keep to myself. You know, one of those people that you hate to decide where to eat with because you are certain that they have somewhere in mind, and indeed they do, but they insist that they don’t care, only to tell you AFTER you eat that they, in fact, HATE that restaurant, but they didn’t tell you because they knew you liked it. Again…working on it. :-)

Now, imagine trying to buy a house with that same annoying person! I definitely have my opinions, but ultimately, I don’t want to be the one responsible for a bad decision that just happens to cost a small fortune. I would prefer for any future resentment to land squarely on the shoulders of the final decision maker (anyone but me please). Alas, that passive approach does not work so well when purchasing a home.

Not surprisingly, my husband takes a different decision-making approach. He is more of a brain-storming analyzer, a list maker, a pros and cons pro. You know, one of those people that you love to decide where to eat with because they can name all of the restaurants in the area, explain to you how to get to each one (and tell you the fastest route), and warn you of the calories in each dish so as not to increase your waist-line. Hazards of this responsibility super power include frequent mind changes and stress over making the absolute right decision.

Now, imagine trying to buy a house with that same amazingly conscientious person! He definitely has his opinions, but ultimately, he doesn’t want to be the one resented for a bad decision later either, ever-wavering. Believe it or not, despite our massive decision-making differences, I think we have FINALLY come to the same conclusion. We want house #3. I am trying not to get my heart too set on said house just in case, but if all goes well, I will be posting pics of OUR NEW HOUSE in the next couple of days. Sometimes 2 heads (however border-line dysfunctional) really are better than one! :-)

"Flashy Thingy"

A fresh start. After loss, tragedy, and pain, isn’t this what we all seek to find? Everyone tries to find it in their own way. A new haircut, a new style, or in our case, a move across town. Wouldn’t a fresh start be easier if we just had one of those “flashy thingies” used in Men in Black (known as Neuralizers to all the true fans out there)? A burst of light and BOOM, the memories of the pain and hard times are all erased. Back to blissful oblivion!

I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like with a visit from Will Smith & Co. I know what you’re thinking…I just want to be regaled with a live version of “Whip Your Hair.” Actually, I might include that very song in the “flashy thing” erasure. Anyway, after the momentary confusion, who would I be? Would I be a light-hearted free spirit? Would my cynical nature be replaced with a peaceful light from the inside, attracting even the most skittish of animals, a modern-day Cinderella? Would sarcasm be replaced with sugary sweet words of affection?

The truth is, I have no way of knowing who I might be without those experiences. And I really don’t want to know. Overcoming adversity is the quality that I most respect in others…having the strength to deal with my own “bad luck” has helped me appreciate myself. I can say that self-reflection didn’t happen often in my life during the easy times; through the rough times the self-analyzing has been fast and furious. And with the reflection comes the ability to be the person I WANT to be. Cinderella, eat your heart out!

Q&A

Now I know that I have many friends out there, who, at the risk of sounding like a #3, have refrained from asking all the questions that they have. It’s only human and I am a fellow recovering #3…we have a curious nature! The question that Erik and I have been hearing over and over is an all-encompassing “What now?” What a vast 7 letter question that is! First of all, we are waiting to get the test results back on the baby so we’ll know what we are dealing with. Is this just the infamous “bad luck” striking again? Is it a recurrent genetic problem? Is it me? Each result will naturally have a different scenario.

If it all comes down to our “luck”, then the first thing we are going to do is play the lottery, because our luck has GOT to change and luck owes us, BIG TIME. Following our imagined winning and spending, we will indeed try again. I really am committed this time around to giving my mind and body a healing period. I’m not going to plan, because that obviously hasn’t worked out so well in the past, but I would like for “luck” to visit us around May or June of this year.

If it is a recurrent problem, that poses a whole new round of possible solutions. We have considered surrogacy if the problem is on my end and even have a few amazing people in our lives that have offered to be a part of the selfless process. We have considered adoption as well. The mind-blowing thing about both of these options is the sheer cost. It is definitely an insult to injury. (This is where our lottery winnings will come in handy).  The only certainty at this point is that God is good, and whatever scenario we will inevitably face, we will do it with Him by our sides.