Movin' On Up

Fourth grade has been my heart since that August day 12 years ago when I greeted my first student. There are so, so many things I love about nine and ten year olds, and there are a multitude of assignments I have loved giving them over the years.

• Fourth graders almost always love their teacher. They make their teacher sweet cards, tell her nice things, and generally make her feel special. And they ALWAYS notice when their teacher changes her hair. 
• Fourth graders are funny. Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it's not, but they're always funny. 

Still one of my favorite grading moments...

• Fourth graders find excitement in everything. Cleaning the floor, straightening the book case, taking the trash out...they do it all with a bounce in their step!
• Fourth graders take the time to get to know their teacher. They know what she likes to eat, what her favorite colors are, and how many times she has worn an outfit in a school year.
• Fourth graders put 100% of their effort into my most favorite assignments: memorizing "The Road Not Taken," writing a research paper about a specific dog breed, putting together an extensive notebook of their own poetry, making a game and commercial for The Sign of the Beaver, and writing a persuasive letter to parents arguing the benefits of a new puppy (a parent favorite). 😉

Why, then, would I want to leave my comfort zone full of familiarity and favorites? 

I have found myself taking on more and more responsibility over the past several years. I have been writing a lot and editing even more, and I truly believe it's because I have been longing for a new challenge. 

This spring, when a secondary English position opened up at my school, I was intrigued. When I passed the necessary certification test right away, I was interested. But when I felt God calling me to take the job, I was positive. God's been nudging me towards a position like this for many years; I just didn't see all the pieces until the job was right there in front of me. 

I'm under no illusion that it will be an easy transition. I know the hours will be longer initially, the grading will be more time-consuming, and the students will be a little wiser and a lot taller, but I know I'll love my job just the same.

I'm not sure what the future holds or what my new list of favorites will look like this time next year, but I do know that I'm ready to start over, to push myself and my students to our full potentials. Until then, keep me in your prayers as I take this small, yet life-changing, step of faith. 

Mother's Day

Mother's Day gets me. Every single year it sneaks up on me, and then I'm standing in church watching the baby dedications and weeping. Some years more than others, but always without fail.

Mother's Day is complicated. I watch people. I'm a people watcher by nature, and I'm especially attuned to people on this wonderful, difficult day. I see the woman longing to be a mom, yearning to be the one up on stage holding a little one, wondering if her time will ever come. I know her by the tears running down her face as she turns away from the happy scene. I see the woman smiling down at her child while silently grieving the ones she never met. I know her by the wistful look in her eyes as she rests her hand on her belly unconsciously, a habit that never seems to go away.  I see the woman who looks sadly at the empty seat next to her--a woman who would give anything to hug her own mother one last time. I don't know her yet, but I will someday--a day I will never be ready for. I see you.

I have been one of you, am one of you still. I have written many times about my losses, but I don't know that I was ever quite able to truly convey the overwhelming, all-encompassing pain and grief I felt sometimes. Mother's Day was excruciating for me. Staring up at a whole line of rosy-cheeked babies and doting moms and dads was torture every year, and I found myself wanting to skip church on the day I probably needed it most.

How can you be thankful on a day your heart is so full of everything but gratitude? Questions and shame and anger and desperation, yes. But not gratitude. Not today. Flutters on a screen, heartbeats there and gone, hopes and dreams destroyed. I know. I see you.

I don't know if you will ever be up on that stage. I certainly doubted that I would ever be. I'm not one for platitudes; I have been on the receiving end of way too many. But I do want to say that you are not alone. Don't cry by yourself today in a bathroom stall; don't watch Netflix all day alone in the dark. Don't do the things that almost destroyed me years ago. Reach out to someone you love--or someone you barely know. Reach out to me. I'm here. I see you.

My Journey to Fit-ish

New Year's Day came and went, and as I stood on the scale during the first week of January, I willed the numbers to magically go down after a single day of eating well. While the numbers stayed put, something finally happened to my acceptance of them.

I decided, for the first time in my entire life, to enter a weight-loss challenge. I paid $15 and was invited into a secret Facebook group of women made up of friends and strangers alike. The rules were simple. Post a picture of your scale every Friday by 10:00 a.m. and make sure you include the week's new password--given early that morning--in your picture. Anyone losing 4% or more of their weight by the end of the eight long weeks wins an equal portion of the pot. Here's a peek into my eight-week journey.

Week 1, Day 1: 

     I take a picture of my beginning weight, almost crying in the process. I cannot believe I have put on almost 20 pounds since I left public school less than three years ago! I have been in serious denial. Apparently all that weight that I shed in stress, I gained in actual pounds! I decide to download the Lose It! app to track my calories. I know I cannot lose weight without heavy tech support. I put in my current weight, my goal weight, and the time frame, and it tells me that I need to stay within a 1257 calorie-per-day diet. Armed with my new weight-loss plan, I make Pioneer Woman egg muffins to eat for breakfast each day, shop for low-calorie snacks and high-protein lunches, and schedule a daily workout routine. I've got this!!!! 

Week 1, Day 2-6: 

     I am dying. My stomach is eating itself out of sheer desperation for calories. I want pizza, chips, Coke, and a candy bar for lunch, and then I need a dinner at Ted's with all the extras. I hate working out. Jillian's abs do not make me feel good about myself. At all. At least I know after having such self-control all week, the scale will show me down at least five pounds come Friday! 

Week 2, Day 1:

     Before I document my first weight check, I make sure that I'm not even sporting any residual mascara from the night before. I step gently and slowly onto the scale. I want to make sure it remembers that we're friends. One week down, seven to go...after which Jillian will be calling me for tips. Wait, this number can't be right. ONE POUND?! O.N.E. POUND??? I've been denying and starving myself for this!!????!! I resist the urge to cry, as I'm afraid the splash of tears may increase the number on the scale, and then I take the picture. Only 17 more pounds left to lose...

Week 2, Day 4: 

     After a few caloric mishaps over my single-momming-it weekend, I vow to start fresh. I eat like a bird all day, and I complain about how hungry I am to anyone who will listen. If the scale isn't more favorable this week, I am quitting. Halfway through the day, I hear about an intermittent fast in which I can only eat my allotted calories between 12 p.m. and 8 p.m. I decide--with no further research whatsoever--that this is the answer to my weight-loss quest.

Week 2, Day 5
     This is so, so much worse than low-calorie. No calories before noon? What was I thinking? By 8 a.m. I feel nauseous and have a terrible headache. When noon comes, my measly lunch doesn't even come close to satisfying the raging hunger that has taken over. I want to devour everything in sight. Even Clover's bunny food starts to look appealing. When bedtime comes, though, I feel so much better than I normally do. I don't have even a hint of my usual reflux, and sleep comes quickly. I can do this!

Week 3, Day 1
     Weigh Day!!! I'm cautiously optimistic as I step on the scale this time. I suck in and push all the air out of my lungs, trying to trick the scale somehow. Down 2.2 more pounds! Maybe this fasting thing is working after all!! I think I'll celebrate by consuming as many calories as I possibly can all weekend long...single-momming it for another full weekend is not for the faint of heart.

Week 3, Day 5
     I cannot continue the fasting. I. JUST. CAN'T. I feel like my body is shutting down. I barely have energy for my workouts and my patience is hanging by a very thin thread. I eat a tiny protein bar at 9 a.m. and immediately feel like my entire life is back on track. I decide to continue depriving myself of all food after 8 p.m. just because it seems like a reasonable compromise, but I go back to eating breakfast and smiling at the people around me.

Week 4, Day 1
     Trepidation. I did not do quite as well with the calories during Week 3, mostly because we ate out a lot, and it is hard to count calories at places that don't list them. I always end up searching and choosing whichever version of my food has the lowest calories in my app, which feels a bit like cheating but also makes me feel successful. I stare down at the scale, willing it to give me even the tiniest break. One pound down. At this rate I'll be rocking a one-piece body by December! Maybe I should schedule a beach trip for some extra motivation...

Week 4, Day 4
     This week has been marginally better. Erik has been off work and has made us dinner every night to avoid the dreaded, "Where are we going to eat?" argument discussion that has only intensified as I try to avoid unnecessary calories.

Week 4, Day 6
     I spoke too soon. I over-indulge today and find myself elbow deep in fried rice, wantons, bubble tea, and later on, a mini blizzard. All worth it in the moment, but I'm afraid my scale will not let me get away with this gluttony.

Week 5, Day 1
     0.4 pounds lost this week. Although I'm a bit depressed as I step on the scale for the 10th time and don't see the numbers change, I also know that I was not at my best this past week. I didn't work out much, and I certainly could have eaten better. Back to the treadmill! 

Week 6, Day 1
     Another pound down! At this point I have lost 6 pounds. It doesn't sound like much, but I am definitely able to tell a difference in the way my clothes fit, and better yet, I have had a few people comment that they can tell, too! This means a lot to me, as I definitely fight discouragement on a daily basis. I knew the fat wouldn't melt away without any work on my part, but I really thought it would be a bit easier. With age comes humility!

Week 7, Day 1
     This past week saw my hubby and I celebrate our 15th anniversary by staying in Pawhuska at the Pioneer Woman's Boarding House. This equaled road-trip snacks and a lot of great food upon arrival. After three straight days of constant eating, I had to fight against over-indulging on Valentine's Day as well. I look down at my feet and accept the scale's measly 0.6 pounds down as a late anniversary gift and let out a sigh of relief.

Week 8, Day 1
     The previous week consisted of a staff lunch, a banquet, and a host of other reasons to eat, eat, eat. While I did a good job of avoiding a lot of the bad food, I did not complete one single work out. Not one. I step on the scale, close my eyes tightly, and hesitantly open them. Please, please, please!! 0.2 pounds down. It's a tiny, insignificant loss, but it's still a loss, and better yet, it means I have finally hit my 4% down! If I maintain it, I get a piece of the winnings! Yay for me!!!!!

Week 8, Day 2-6
     I know now that a couple of days of eating horribly won't kill me, so I take the opportunity to eat some things I love on a mommy-daughter date at one of our favorite restaurants. Then I eat way too much fried rice throughout the week; I also find myself snacking consistently on the Nerds jelly beans I bought for my students, as they are the absolute best candy Easter brings. My kids at school seriously beg me for these if you need a good basket filler. At the end of the week, I realize that once again, working out has eluded me. I have no idea if the scale will betray me on the final day. I could easily lose the 4% I worked so hard for because of my lack of self-control this week!

Final Weigh Day
     I take some deep, cleansing breaths before I step on the scale. This is important to me. Despite many, many lapses, I still sacrificed eating what I wanted to eat so many times over the course of 8 weeks. I have been dying for a big, greasy cheeseburger with everything on it. I've dreamed about living in a bakery and eating all the bread almost every night. I have sat forlornly while eating with friends, watching them happily enjoy their lunches while I stare at my wilting lettuce. I have even skipped every pastry offered in the lounge for breakfast and almost every dessert my husband and daughter have enjoyed. I step on the scale. 0.4 pounds down! A final loss of almost 7 pounds...I am ecstatic!

     While my goal was more like a loss of 1.5 pounds a week, I only hit that once, and it was a week of fasting and faithful workouts. Unfortunately, with our crazy schedule, that is just not always realistic. I have found that what works best for me is a combination of one cheat day a week, caloric accountability, consistent exercise, and the knowledge of a semi-public weekly weight check. I also did better when I was wearing my Apple watch.

     Before I started all this, my late-night snacking was out of control, and I was eating a lot of small, unhealthy things throughout the day. I was also sitting A LOT. When you know you are going to have to account for every single calorie, you think twice about whether you really want to eat a candy bar or drink that Coke. You also make more of an effort to get up and move so you can add in the exercise to your calorie count. The more you move, the more you can eat guilt-free...and isn't that the point? :-)
   
     In another week, I will embark on this journey all over again, trying to lose another 4%. My prayer is that nicer weather and 8 weeks of experience will translate into an easier, more consistent loss. Here's hoping!!