Thursday, April 21, 2011

Groundhog Day

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered? “ This is a quote from a movie called Groundhog Day; since I’m one of only 13 people who have seen it, I will give you a very short synopsis. Basically it’s about a weather man who wakes up the day after Groundhog Day only to find he’s reliving the day all over again…and again, and again before he finally wakes up to a tomorrow. I feel his pain. I’ve figured it up, and out of the last 21 months of my life (since the day of my first positive test), I have been pregnant for half of that, each time a Pregnancy Déjà vu.  I’m not reliving the fun parts of pregnancy over and over…the name choosing, feeling Baby’s first kick, nursery shopping, shower attending. No, I’m stuck with the morning sickness, the exhaustion, the anxiety, the overwhelming grief…you know, the really UNfun parts. When you’re stuck in the same 2 months over and over, sometimes your todays ARE your tomorrows…sometimes the future is obscured by the present.  

We relived another unfun day today…we found out that we have to have another D&C. Unfortunately, although the baby has passed, my sac, for whatever reason, has decided to hang around and even grow. The doctor told us today that if I continue to try to let this miscarriage take place naturally that when it finally happens it will feel more like labor…something I don’t wish to experience without a baby in my arms at the end of it.

Monday is my 30th birthday...I pray that this meaningful milestone will be my Groundhog Day awakening. That I will wake up one day soon to feel my round belly, breathe in my new baby’s sweet scent, or even eagerly sign adoption papers. When I blow out my candles this year, my request won’t be a secret…and my birthday toast? “Here’s to a new tomorrow.” 


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  2. I am so terribly sorry. I just learned about your blog through Life, Loss, and Other Things. I know there is nothing a a random internet stranger can say to ease your pain, but for what it's worth, the 30s are great. I'll be celebrating my 38th birthday in a few months. I finally had my first child at age 34, and with age has certainly come more wisdom and patience. I look back now and think wow, what a different parent I would have been if I had given birth in my 20s. Best wishes for a wonderful birthday, quick healing, and good news to come.

  3. Amber - it's Katie "Hooge" baker and recently I was told I might have celiac disease. As I was reading about it one of the side effects is miscarriage. I'm not saying that you have it but have they tested you something like that? It was just something else to look at. But I'm no doctor just passing the info on. Hope your 30's treat you well! Good luck!

  4. Actually I have been tested for that...thanks for the suggestion though! :-) They thought I might have it too a few years back, but it turned out I didn't.