Hello Friends, it's been awhile. When I go this long without writing, something happens. Every wandering thought gets stored as a potential blog entry and my fingers start to twitch in anticipation of flying across a keyboard again. I needed some relief from the madness, so I decided that now was as good a time as any to share a little more about P's life, give an update about where P is now, and tell a bit about my life since his departure.
All I can really say about P's "before" story is that I have never met, and doubt if I ever will meet, a person with a more tragic story. Because of what he has faced, he now struggles academically, socially, and of course emotionally. Fortunately, P's brother has adjusted a little better and has found a wonderful foster home, but his sister's life has virtually mirrored his. She has yet to find her place in this world either. P and his sister are now both somewhere that provides the kind of help they should have gotten the moment the "after" part of their story started. The incompetence of certain DHS workers and even the agency in general has been beyond shocking, but that is for another blog.
P has a short call list and although that saddens me, it does mean that we get to speak with him quite often, usually daily. We also get to visit him for a few hours each weekend. We spend our time with him playing games, walking around in their little courtyard, and watching him enjoy his weekly treat of a pop and some candy. They allow visitors to hit up their vending machines and I'm convinced they make a killing off our guilt! I know that our visits are one of the highlights of his week (hopefully not JUST for the sweets). Unfortunately I don't see him being allowed to leave this place for quite some time. His outbursts, while completely understandable, are not under control yet. If you spend just a moment with him, however, anyone can see that his bravado is just fear, that his anger covers up debilitating pain, and that deep down he wants to be loved more than anything in this world. We are the ONLY ones on his side, and that is why we know that even though we still have no idea what our forever roles in P's life will be, we DO know that we want to be a part of it for as long as he wants us to be. Whether we're his cool aunt and uncle or just the people that take him to church every week, I'm confident that we will be permanent fixtures in his life.
Since he left, my range of emotions has been surprising to say the least. I've been extremely down, numb, angry, and everywhere in between. The thought of a child enduring even a portion of what he's gone through is enough to make you question everything you've ever known. So for the last month, that's where I've been. Questioning our decision to let P go, stewing in my "righteous" anger regarding his circumstances, and wallowing in the feelings of failure over something that I KNOW I had no hand in. I don't know why, after all I've been through, P's situation is what finally sent me over the edge, but it did.
Thankfully, I'm back from the abyss. Lots of reading, praying, talking, and renewing of the mind. It has been a hard, one-day-at-a-time climb. We are still childless, and DHS's "next on the list" evidently translates to months and months of waiting. Our worker went on maternity leave the same day our paperwork was finalized, so we anticipate a few more weeks of waiting before our advocate is back, well, advocating for us. Still, I remain in a good place. Waiting is something I'm used to. And this time the anticipation isn't a matter of will it happen? It's more a matter of when.