Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Satisfaction Acquisition

Wow!! The first month of 2013 is already drawing to a close! Last January I wrote a blog that talked about choosing a year-long "theme" instead of making a list of resolutions that I knew I wouldn't keep. My 2012 theme (2013's will be a later post) was to work on being satisfied in each major area of my life. As I looked back over the list today, I was awestruck at how God has worked in me over the last year, helping me to be more satisfied than ever. During my reflection on His goodness, I came upon this particular excerpt, and reading it STILL gives me chills.  

Yes, we remain without child. DHS has had a big hand in that, because they never put us onto their adoption list! For six months we've been patiently and prayerfully waiting...all the while not being advocated for at all! I'm thinking God must have something truly amazing and miraculous in store for us because we've just been through too much. It almost makes me laugh (if only to keep from crying). Everytime another roadblock comes up, I just shake my head and look up...He has a plan. Meanwhile, I have learned to really and truly find satisfaction in my time (and our time) alone. I think I have to be satisfied with the silence before I am blessed with the noise.

When I wrote that, I had spent the previous three years questioning Him, pleading with Him, ignoring Him, and crying out to Him in anguish. I can remember days when I could barely get out of bed. Days when crying probably burned more calories than a marathon…those painful, screaming sobs that seem to rip right out of your chest, taking pieces of your heart with them. I can remember the anger burning in my eyes and spilling onto those closest to me, and eventually the bitterness dulling its edge. I remember days when I fought to the surface of normalcy, fought against the negative, and days when my hard heart pulled me under like an anchor. And I remember writing those words above when I was filled with hope, ready to surrender to the uncertainty of His plan.

Less than a month after that post, I was pregnant. And just a few short weeks later I was holding a positive test in my hand. It turns out God did have something truly amazing and miraculous in store for us…I sit holding her in my arms right now.

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