Time Marches On...

Time. Time is a tricky thing. It is a rare constant, always moving forward at the same rate, and yet at any given moment to any given person, it feels varying, wavering, fluctuating. Never the same and yet always the same. It is unfeeling, without empathy, and impartial. A best friend or a worst enemy, or even both at the same time, a double-edged sword.  

Addison's birth is the most anticipated event of my life. When I think of holding her, seeing her, becoming a mother, time seems to stand still, even move backwards, days dragging into weeks. However, when I think about labor, giving birth, the fear of the unknown, the seconds speed by. I can't even seem to catch my breath. 

I believe our relationship with time is never more complex than when grieving a loss. My grandmother just went to be with the Lord a few hours ago. What my family wouldn't give to rewind time, stop it, selfishly keep her here with us a few more days. But as those closest to her saw her suffering, time was mercilessly slow.

Addison's entrance into this world coinciding with my grandma's departure of it is an example of time's cruelest paradox. My beautiful baby girl will never know her precious great-grandmother and my grandma never got to see me have a child of my own. I can only pray that Addison's addition to our family will be a bit of healing for us all. Even though I have lost someone who played a major role in so many memories, I will be forever thankful that I have them, and know that they will shape many of the new traditions we will make with Addison.

I am the world’s guiltiest when it comes to looking forward to events and wishing away the time in between. In these last few weeks before Addison comes, my grandma’s passing reminds me of how important it is to embrace every moment as it comes. I want to enjoy this time with Erik before our worlds are turned upside down in the best way. Time and life are synonymous. I don’t want to take even a second for granted; those seemingly meaningless, simple moments are when life happens, or passes you by if you’re not paying attention. My grandma is leaving behind such a remarkable legacy and has taught me many valuable lessons; I’m so grateful to be a recipient of this one.    

Undeserving

I spent 3 years avoiding blogs exactly like what this one is becoming. Blogs filled with babies and nurseries and sunshine...ick. That is why I have been hesitant in posting too many pictures of those very things on this blog. I know most people who read it are wanting to keep up with our story and are so excited for us, but I also know that I have been contacted by many who are still going through their struggles with infertility and miscarriage and so I am reluctant to constantly highlight my happiness.

There is a strange, comforting sense of solidarity when you come across someone that has experienced your type of heartache. Losing a baby or babies is not something ANYONE can comprehend unless they have gone through it. The excitement that suddenly turns into soul-crushing news, the daily struggles with faith, the excrutiating self-blame, the fear that it will happen again. It's just impossible to put into words that are sufficient enough. That's why for some, I know that although they are rejoicing with us, there is a sense of something bittersweet. Because even though I have gone through the hard times, my found happiness leaves behind unspoken questions. Questions that I asked myself on many sleepless nights when another struggling friend would start her own healthy pregnancy journey. Questions that sound ridiculous to outsiders, but line the wounded hearts of those in the thick of the pain. Why is this happening to me? When is it my turn? Will my husband still love me if I can't give him children? Maybe if I just do _____ for God? Why doesn't He answer my prayers? Will I EVER hold a baby of my own? Why her and not me? What have I done wrong?

I cannot answer those questions even now. My prayers have been answered, but I don't deserve it anymore than anyone else. I shudder when people say that to me."You and Erik deserve it!" It pierces the very heart of women who are looking for any reason why they are suffering. It seems to imply that the childless somehow don't deserve that blessing or are to blame, and that's just not true. I don't know why God has allowed me to have a healthy pregnancy thus far. I am thankful beyond belief, but I still hurt with those I know mask a pain behind their excitement. I do intend to post some pictures and continue the happy baby blogs, but I have felt compelled to let everyone know that I do it not to be insensitive, but to offer proof that God does indeed answer prayers and work miracles. We are His instruments, created to glorify Him in both our joy and strife. Believe me, not a moment of this complicated and heart-breaking 3 year journey has been wasted or lost on me. I pray daily for those of you still struggling: that you will keep the faith, that God will pour into your hearts while you wait on His timing, and that someday soon He will bless you with your very own little miracle.

Life Lessons According to Zooey

I've caught A LOT of flak for bringing home a new puppy whilst pregnant, I have to admit. Erik did say that he wanted this monster for his birthay, but I'm not entirely sure that he meant it after all. She wakes us up at all hours of the night, wants to nap only after we're wide awake, makes messes, puts everything in her mouth, terrorizes her older "sister", and pretty much just keeps us in a constant state of vigilance...you know, pretty much just like a baby...only with four legs and a fur coat! It was actually a genius move for me to bring her home right now (mental pat on the back) - what better preperation for November?!! We are having a lot of fun with her too of course, and she has also reminded us of some valuable lessons that we tend to forget in the course of our now-more-hectic lives.

Lesson #1: Make sure to always pose and look your best when there's a camera around! You never know who might post your picture!

Lesson #2: A friend by your side makes every moment sweeter.

Lesson #3: A nap in the middle of the day? A necessity in this sweltering Oklahoma heat!

Lesson #4: A walk a day keeps the doctor away. Oh, and looking fashionable while you do it doesn't hurt.

Lesson #5: When you REALLY want something, don't let any obstacle stand in your way, no matter how big it seems. 

Gender Reveal

A gender reveal party? Up until a couple of months ago, I had never heard of such of a thing either; something I have in common with most of our invitees and the general public. Our reveal party is not a request for gifts, not a desire for the spotlight, but a celebration. A celebration of this miracle that we have been entrusted with, a tribute to our families that have shed so many tears for us, fervently prayed for us, and rejoiced whole-heartedly in our blessing. I can't think of a better reason in the world to throw a party; the gender suprise is just the icing "in" the cake. Below are some pictures of the party, along with THE REVEAL! More pictures to come...

 Girl...or Boy???

 Votes are boy heavy!

 BABY JEOPARDY...Team Boy vs. Team Girl. Team Boy won!

 IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!! ADDISON CLAIRE

Walking Towards the Light

Week 15. Can you believe it?! It's a beautiful thing to wake up each morning, know that you're pregnant, and go about a normal day without worry or fear. Just a year ago, I'd never have believed it could happen. It's amazing what a difference a few short (long) weeks can make! Now to answer some FAQs:

Q: When is your due date?
A: November 13th

Q: When will you find out if you're having a boy or a girl?
A: Our gender scan is scheduled for June 14th at 1:15pm!

Q: What names do you have picked out?
A: If it's a girl, it will most likely be Addison Claire. If it's a boy, we're still tossing around ideas: Riker (a play on Erik's name and a nod to his love of sci-fi) and Sawyer are the only 2 we've remotely agreed on so far. The middle name for a baby boy will probably be John.

Q: How are you feeling?
A: I still get really nauseated when I go too long without eating, but it's getting better. I haven't gotten to the much-revered 2nd trimester energy boost yet either; here's hoping it visits soon! I'm in that awkward phase where you know you're pregnant but you don't really feel that pregnant anymore. It's kind of a weird limbo. I can't wait until I can feel Baby kick and move to reassure me! I do listen to the fetal monitor almost every night so that has helped me feel a little more connected in the meantime.

Q: How did you like your new Dr.?
A: He is definitely...interesting. He shall henceforth be called Dr. Wonka due to his evident love of jewel-toned velvet chairs and the bright candy-like glass sculptures that adorn his office. Also, he is a little awkward like Willy Wonka and I'm sure their bedside manner would be quite similar if Wonka were to cameo in Grey's Anatomy or Private Practice. Anyhoo, he definitely wasn't as impressive as Dr. IC (as I'm quite certain his main credentials were from the 80s), but I've heard good things so I'm willing to overlook his quirks and flamboyant tastes for now. If he starts suggesting a chocolate river birthing experience, I may have to change my mind. :-)

I want to say a big thank you to everyone that has been praying, and continues to pray for us. This has been such a long, hard road and we are finally basking in that light at the end of the tunnel instead of shielding our eyes (and hearts) from it.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of light, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17

My Miracle

Another week, another miracle! Well, since Dr. Yet To Be Named is booked until May 8th, I am continuing to thrive under the care of the illustrious Dr. IC until then. This means (you guessed it!) Baby T got another photo shoot today! I don't know if future baby is going to be a model or a soccer player, but boy was there some posing and moving going on! Baby was sucking its thumb, turning its head from side to side, and kicking its tiny legs. Keep in mind, Baby is only an inch long right now...an INCH! And through technology this little miracle fills up the screen with its already adorable acrobatics.

I could gush all evening about hearing the heartbeat again, seeing Baby's tiny arms waving around, and gazing at its emerging profile. I could try to elaborate on the elation I'm feeling and the pure joy I'm reveling in. But I won't. I know that each week is going to bring about new, beautiful moments that will be more substantial and amazing than the last. I'm afraid if I expound, I will run out of adjectives before I get to week 40...when my miracle ends...and begins.

I have prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. 1 Samuel 1:27

Planning...

Doctor time again! I have to admit, now that we have moved out of the dreaded 7th week, I look forward to each ultrasound. This baby has had A LOT of photo shoots in its short life! This week I measured 9 weeks, we got to see our baby moving, and the heartbeat was a strong 174 bpm. I could get all corny and say that I have never heard anything more beautiful in my life...and I just did. Now that the fear is subsiding and the excitement is building, I am finally starting to let myself plan a little!

The doctor said today that if you don't have a history of losing a baby after 9 weeks, the chances of it happening now are very low. Dr. IC even decided that I can be released to a regular OBG! I have to admit that I'm a little bummed about losing my weekly baby sightings, but it's unrealistic to think I should have one every 7 days for the next 7 months or so (even if it does help me feel better). With all of the changes going on, I decided that I am leaving the care of Dr. Never Again and all of the bad memories behind. I'm going to use a colleague of Dr. IC's; I can't wait to meet him in person so I can name him. Seriously though, with all of this great news, how can a girl not get a little ahead of herself?!

In my head the nursery is finished: a shabby chic room with antique books and a pretty chandelier for a girl, a room full of police cars and fire trucks for a boy. My extremely talented father has made such amazing things for the other grandkids; I can't wait to add a carousel rocking horse or motorcyle rocker from Poppy to said rooms. I will keep my names a secret for now, mostly because we don't have a clue what it will be if it's a boy. I can't wait to buy yet another pregnancy journal, this time with the confidence that I get to keep it! I can't wait to find out the gender of our baby and am already planning a little reveal party for family and friends. I can't wait to hold this baby in my arms and see with my own eyes a miracle from God. And most of all, I can't wait to just be a mom: the hugs, the kisses, the snuggles, the crying, the screaming, all of it. I'll be ready. You can plan on it.