My Miracle

Another week, another miracle! Well, since Dr. Yet To Be Named is booked until May 8th, I am continuing to thrive under the care of the illustrious Dr. IC until then. This means (you guessed it!) Baby T got another photo shoot today! I don't know if future baby is going to be a model or a soccer player, but boy was there some posing and moving going on! Baby was sucking its thumb, turning its head from side to side, and kicking its tiny legs. Keep in mind, Baby is only an inch long right now...an INCH! And through technology this little miracle fills up the screen with its already adorable acrobatics.

I could gush all evening about hearing the heartbeat again, seeing Baby's tiny arms waving around, and gazing at its emerging profile. I could try to elaborate on the elation I'm feeling and the pure joy I'm reveling in. But I won't. I know that each week is going to bring about new, beautiful moments that will be more substantial and amazing than the last. I'm afraid if I expound, I will run out of adjectives before I get to week 40...when my miracle ends...and begins.

I have prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. 1 Samuel 1:27

Planning...

Doctor time again! I have to admit, now that we have moved out of the dreaded 7th week, I look forward to each ultrasound. This baby has had A LOT of photo shoots in its short life! This week I measured 9 weeks, we got to see our baby moving, and the heartbeat was a strong 174 bpm. I could get all corny and say that I have never heard anything more beautiful in my life...and I just did. Now that the fear is subsiding and the excitement is building, I am finally starting to let myself plan a little!

The doctor said today that if you don't have a history of losing a baby after 9 weeks, the chances of it happening now are very low. Dr. IC even decided that I can be released to a regular OBG! I have to admit that I'm a little bummed about losing my weekly baby sightings, but it's unrealistic to think I should have one every 7 days for the next 7 months or so (even if it does help me feel better). With all of the changes going on, I decided that I am leaving the care of Dr. Never Again and all of the bad memories behind. I'm going to use a colleague of Dr. IC's; I can't wait to meet him in person so I can name him. Seriously though, with all of this great news, how can a girl not get a little ahead of herself?!

In my head the nursery is finished: a shabby chic room with antique books and a pretty chandelier for a girl, a room full of police cars and fire trucks for a boy. My extremely talented father has made such amazing things for the other grandkids; I can't wait to add a carousel rocking horse or motorcyle rocker from Poppy to said rooms. I will keep my names a secret for now, mostly because we don't have a clue what it will be if it's a boy. I can't wait to buy yet another pregnancy journal, this time with the confidence that I get to keep it! I can't wait to find out the gender of our baby and am already planning a little reveal party for family and friends. I can't wait to hold this baby in my arms and see with my own eyes a miracle from God. And most of all, I can't wait to just be a mom: the hugs, the kisses, the snuggles, the crying, the screaming, all of it. I'll be ready. You can plan on it.

The Pregnancy Realization

My how the tables have turned! It seems just a few short months ago that I was complaining about the complainers. You know, the ones lamenting about their stretch marks and morning sickness: nails grating on the chalkboard of my unpregnant belly.

I have gained some sympathy for the women I secretly tried not to envy. You see, pregnant women have a secret. We can be oblivious to all but the growing life inside of us. It is so easy to complain when you feel sick every moment of every day and your piles of laundry mock you from your perch on the couch. The only part of my body that seems to work lately is the finger that presses the buttons on the remote. Any more movement than that and I may have to take a nap. I have even found myself complaining to people that I know are struggling. Hurting from their own fertility issues, marital problems, even previous miscarriages. Who AM I?!

Well, I am human. The farther I get into this pregnancy the more aware I am that I am just like most other moms-to-be. I definitely have a faster stop-talking-alarm than most, but I want it to be even more sensitive. It's been so easy to get lost in the bliss/misery combination that is pregnancy, but I don't want to be callous to those suffering from true anguish. After all, I was there not too long ago. I've prayed that God use my losses for good; listening empathetically while quashing my complaints is just one way I can help make sure of it.

A Hopeful Mother's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord this babe I'll keep.
Guide me safely through night's dreams
And wake me with the first sunbeams.

I ask for peace o'er all my fears
I believe that You will dry my tears.
You know my past has been so hard
Renew my strength and heal my scars.

All moms-to-be have the same prayers
Whether with child or waiting for theirs
For health, safety, and happiness yes
But most of all, for them to be blessed.

Prepare my heart to be a great mom
Guide me, lead me, and help keep me calm.
Your ways are higher, this is true
I've nothing but my trust in You.

My heart is held in your strong hands
Its breaking, I pray, is not part of the plan.
I believe in my soul this baby's the one,
We'll praise your name daily, daughter or son.

Uncharted Territory

We are now entering into a new phase of pregnancy: somewhere we've never been before...we are past the dreaded 7th week! I measured 8 weeks today and the baby's heartbeat was 161 (a girl to all of you heart rate theorists). We've never seen a baby get this big or heard a heartbeat this strong.

That brings me to the next new phase of pregnancy...excitement. It's still tempered with caution, but the hopefulness is overtaking everything. Part of me feels like I should try to rein it in, but I don't want to. To think that staying cautious and negative will cushion bad news should it come has not served me well previously. I have still broken down. I have still struggled with whys and resentment. Ultimately, I don't want to miss out on the beauty and excitement of a viable pregnancy because of my past! I feel like it would be unfair to this baby to reflect back and guiltily think about how I didn't write in a pregnancy journal or keep my ultrasound pictures because I refused to let myself go there. He or she deserves a  normal-acting mommy-to-be so they can read about the hopes and dreams I have for them someday; so they can know with all that they are that mommy loved them from Day 1, not Week 40.

I don't know anyone that has this pregnancy journey all figured out. It's a difficult path to navigate even when you've never had a problem pregnancy. For me, sometimes facing the uncharted is better - there are no references to the past, no links to the disappointment. Friends, Welcome to Hopetown!