Recently, my dear friend asked me to join their relay team and run a 5K leg in the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon. Apparently my fingers typed some sort of affirmative text, while my brain screamed, "No!!! Don't say yes...why?!? Why?!?" Clearly, I did not have my stuff together that day. Alas, I made a commitment and I am going to honor it, even if the entire relay team has to fashion some sort of interlocking-arm stretcher and carry me the last mile. (Don't be jealous that you didn't ask me to be on your team first). Anyway, I figured now that I am a total expert in not training at all, seeing that the relay is just a couple of weeks away, I will impart my wisdom upon you, so that you too, may follow in my slacking, procrastinating ways. After all, I need to beat SOMEONE come race day. It may as well be you...
Tip #1. Make sure that you sign up for said race just before you fall victim to some sort of stomach bug, flu, or illness that renders you useless in training for at least a good week or two.
Tip #2. Train with someone who runs so fast, you almost puke within the first 2 minutes of the run. This will ensure that you walk the other 30 minutes to relieve the stitch in your side, regulate your hyperventilating, prevent a heart attack, etc. Continue to ask said person to run with you each day and learn nothing from all previous experiences.
Tip #3. On days when it is beautiful outside, make sure to grab the most disgusting fast food you possibly can on your way home. Once that food hits your tummy, it is only a matter of time before your grease-coma sets in and you are on your way to another night of "24" marathoning. Do they make t-shirts for that?
Tip #4. Plan to stay up late for no apparent reason every night...get a late start on grading, work until 7 or 8, watch "24" (seriously, do it), cheer on the Thunder in a game that doesn't start until you're already tired, write a blog, play games on your iPhone with maddening levels that force you to stay up just...one...more...minute. Yeah, all that.
Tip #5. Notice all the cute outfits you can wear while running, and spend time shopping online for said outfits instead of training. Maybe no one will notice the limp and heavy perspiration if you look the part. I mean, MY SOCKS WILL HAVE FLAMES. Who can't take THAT seriously?!
Tip #6. Make sure that said race will fall on a day of inclemate weather, as it has for the past umpteen years of this particular marathon. I've been a spectator at many of these shindigs...it's pretty much been miserable every time. I mean, you can't exactly control the weather, but if you're in Oklahoma for any race, bad weather is pretty much a given. Then you can blame your injuries and slow time on the lack of visibility or slippery conditions and no one ever has to know that you have only run 3 times in as many months.
Tip #7. Practice the post-race smile. You'll have to really cheese it up for this to work...I imagine the excruciating pain come race day will bring the cheese down to a believable notch for the picture. Everyone on Facebook will be impressed with your 5K abilities and consider you to be some sort of running expert forever after.
Seriously though, I'm finishing this sucker, and finishing it well. If I can have a natural birth, work myself half to death on a weekly basis while being a decent mom, and survive testing week, I can run speed walk a 5K without training. Come cheer me on...maybe I'll see you through the fog.
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