The next day we met with Dr. Never Again to discuss my options. He recommended another D&C, which we expected, and so the procedure was scheduled for Thursday, 2 days after we had found out. Dr. NA assured us that this time they would do testing on the baby (I refuse to call it a fetus…blech) to see what, if anything, they could find wrong. The D&C went smoothly enough and I was glad for the closure. The progesterone shots were fooling my body and my levels were so high that it would have taken weeks to miscarry naturally. This time my body healed a little slower, is still healing. Lots of pain, fighting a fever, night sweats. All fun reminders of what might have been, along with the baby fat I gained.
The physical pain was actually a nice distraction from the real anguish. This latest loss has affected me differently. They say there are 5 stages of grief…I’ve been stuck on the anger stage this time. Anger at both doctors for their optimism and making me believe this was IT, anger at myself for every little thing I could have possibly done wrong (drinking that sip of Coke!), and anger at God for not answering my fervent prayers. It is painful for me to admit that I have felt that way towards God. After all, He has been my strength through all of this. But the statement “It’s not fair” had been replaying in my head until the bitterness was threatening to overtake me. I’ve had to let go of the anger for my own sanity. And it’s still not completely gone. There are still days when I have to fight the thoughts out of my head with a song or a prayer. Because you know what? It’s NOT fair. But it’s also not fair that one of my favorite friends lost her newlywed husband in a tragic accident. It’s not fair that a student at school’s brother is fighting cancer at such a young age. Nothing is fair in life. And thank God for that. If life were fair, no telling where I’d be…certainly my biggest worry wouldn’t be carrying a child. We all have more than we deserve. And that’s my current mantra…the old Dave Ramsey greeting. How are you? “Better than I deserve.”