Controlaholic

Last weekend our pastor preached another great message. One line in particular has been such a comfort to me this week. “Do what you can do, and let God do what you cannot do.” So simple, and yet so profound. It is very similar to the adage, “Let go and let God,” but for some reason his version just spoke to me more clearly. I have to admit that his statement goes against every bit of my hyper-controlling nature. Slowly relinquishing the idea of control has been very much a part of this whole baby (and even house-hunting) process.

I can control which doctors I see, which medicines I take or don’t take, even how many ultrasounds I get to have. But I have been exposed to many of the things that I cannot control through all of this this and they alone are enough to fill a few hundred books. We can also choose which house we make an offer on, which addition we want to live in, and how much we want to spend. However, we cannot keep people from buying a house out from under us or offering more money than we are willing to pay.

Control is an illusion, and an oppressive one at that. Deciding to let go of the idea that I have control (and therefore blame) over whether or not we have a baby has been very liberating for me. I can do what I can do...limiting caffeine, taking vitamins, even getting daily shots, but that’s all. Ultimately, it is not up to me. And that revelation is much, much more earth-shattering than I care to admit. My name’s Amber, and I’m a recovering controlaholic.